ALEX :)

Sunday

2011-02-15T00:03:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I didn't type a post. So today I'll type the post that I was supposed to have typed yseterday. Or rather. 2 days ago. Haha.

Please pardon me for any typos or any weird details because I'm like super super tired. And I can't wait to go and sleep but I... just wanna blog. Haha.

Basically Sunday I screwed up as service pianist. Was just really tired and blur. Couldn't react to any changes. Didn't know where I should start playing my intro from. Was just so tired. Felt really bad for screwing up though I did try my best. And as usual, apparently my playing style doesn't please everyone. So yea was quite trying after service ended but I shan't go into details.

And then I got a new phone! Not like I like to spend money. But because my old phone died. Really died. Can't remember if I mentioned this in my previous blog post but yea my old phone died so I need a new phone and I got a HTC Wildfire! I'm gonna need some time to get used to a new phone. But nonetheless I love my phone :)

So tired already. Should go sleep. Good morning world.

Busy

2011-02-13T00:41:00.002+08:00

So busy. These few days. And next few days. And when IB starts... needless to say. haha.

Today there was BB parade. New Primers joined... and haha I'm glad that 2 people I invited to join Primers found the parade fun and exciting :) Hope they continue to come for parades :)

And then was MCYC (Oasis) visit. Keyboarded for worship. Glad that worship went fine :) And then I was assigned to the Sec 1 girls' group to lead discussion after a mini-lecture was given by my cohort mate. Zzz. They were... naughty and not too cooperative. But nonetheless I hope I managed to get my message across and... hope that they have learn valuable lessons.

Then went for Youth Fellowship reunion dinner at my YF friend's house. Haha. Stayed till 10 plus and then reached home really late. The bus was sooooo pissing. Waited for almost half an hour and no bus. Zzz.

Tomorrow I'm pianist for Sunday service. And guess I'm really tired. Got quite a bit of tan from yesterday's ACSiting race... but yesterday was a tiring day haha. And today also. Hopefully tomorrow will be better lor. Afternoon gonna buy new phone. MY PHONE DIED. Like seriously. 90% of screen gone. So my phone is almost useless. Haha.

Piano exam on 1 March. Needa practise. But I'm soooo lazy... don't feel like playing the scales and pieces that I have been playing for so long. BORING.

Haha. Hope things will go well tomorrow. :)

So PISSED OFF!!!

2011-02-10T20:34:00.002+08:00

Just had a large quarrel with my mum. So pissed off now I just feel like throwing all my things around my room.

My mum... she always likes to compare me with other people. I've had enough of that. She never puts in the effort to try to understand how I am feeling, and how much stress I have to cope with. It's stressful enough to have to see the people around me who are so intellectually capable. And I've had a really really long day today. CAN'T SHE BE MORE UNDERSTANDING!!!

Just because she wants me to be perfect. Like in every aspect. She puts me through IB, doesn't think that friendships are that important. Like come on. Her son has made it into ACS(I). But I don't see her being thankful for me. Has so many complaints. It's like... I'm so stressed already and she has to provoke me after such a long day. And I still have my Math Port to complete. It's like YEA SHE'S SO UNDERSTANDING RIGHT???

And then when she gives up quarreling she just suddenly kneels down on the floor and bang her head against the floor in front of me. For what. And it just makes me feel soooooooo bad it's like I really feel like things are sooooo out of my control.

All I ask is for parents who support me and encourage me throughout my IB journey. AND IB HASN'T OFFICIALLY STARTED. I don't think this is a very unreasonable request. I'm already withstanding a lot that my parents don't attend school talks and heck care about the circulars the school gives. Like I gave my dad the letter to attend my subject briefing so much in advance, and in the end? Didn't go. How does that make me feel? Makes me feel so alone. All the more when they always compare me to others.

I won't say I'm very gifted in music but... my parents don't seem to be thankful for this. I think they'll be very very happy if I have no rest, no play, and just mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug, and mug mug mug mug mug even more.

Haiz. Gotta do math port now. Now it's not just coping with schoolwork, IT'S COPING WITH PARENTS!!!

Thanksgiving

2011-02-09T23:15:00.003+08:00

These 2 days are days during which I really really experience God's mercies!!!

Was so worried yesterday because I left my No Other City in class and when I went to look for it during break yesterday couldn't find it. Was worried but I still committed it to the Lord in prayer... and haha turns out it's with my friend :) Can say that... he kept it for me but he's absent today so he'll pass it to me tomorrow :)

And while doing my Math Portfolio today... was so worried again. Thought that my laptop couldn't detect my GDC... and I'll have a hard time completing my portfolio. But PTL! Haha with trial and error I managed to download a software that connects my GDC to my computer and haha! Yay now I can proceed with my portfolio smoothly :)

Without God's grace, I believe that I'll never be able to get these 2 major problems resolved. Not within my own abilities. :) And God has blessed me so much... and so now I should give all glory to Him! Thank You, Lord! :)

This weekend's gonna be a rather... musical weekend. For MCYC visit this Saturday afternoon, I'm keyboarding for worship. And on Sunday, I'm pianist for church service. Haha. So I'm supposed to have 2 sets of songs to practise. But I haven't gotten my Saturday songs from my worship leader yet so... hopefully he'll send me earlier tomorrow then I can learn the songs that I dunno and practise a bit! :)

Yup that's all from me today! :) God Bless!

Updates

2011-02-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

I realised I haven't updated my blog in quite a while. Lol.

Last few weeks has been... a time of ups and downs. But generally I'm trying to keep my perspectives and emotions positive. Haha.

Regarding that friend I mentioned in my last blog post (I think), I shan't mention much. Except that I'm not gonna turn back. Give me hope, only to shatter it. Haha. Too bad I'm not shattered. :P I'm not gonna be so easily shattered. Hahaha.

Haha if only I could turn back time right. Then I could have undone a lot of things that I want to undo so much.

During Primers' interview, I brought up that I don't want to apply for SR comm anymore. I'll just go for Adventure and CE. I mean, I don't have to be in SR comm to go to Oasis, do I? Haha. Personally, I'm more comfortable doing Adventure and CE. Adventure, because I have experience from last year. CE, because I have plans and ideas that I want to execute. :)

And yesterday's song presentation turned out okay. I thought I would crumble due to being nervous and butter fingers etc. Yea I started off with too fast a tempo, but generally I was quite satisfied. Because I did my best. And God did the rest :)

Today OG outing was good :) Broke personal best record for bowling. 110 points :) Yay :) Of course 110 points is nothing to a lot of ppl but to me yup it's an achievement XD

And before I forget. CNY was fun. Good food :)

So yup that's all I wanna say. Don't wanna elaborate too much. haha. I realise that my posts have been too long so yup wanna make them short and sweet! :)

If only I could turn back time...

Giving Up

2011-02-02T23:46:00.003+08:00

I hate to say this but... yes I feel like giving up. Giving up on this friendship. Though we've not known each other for very long, about say... 2 months? We used to talk on MSN, sms each other, and for a while I thought things would have been better. But no. Even though we supposedly came to a mutual understanding, but then... nope we're having another cold war for almost 2 weeks already.

So much for the apologies and everything... and I realised somehow I have just been so foolish and gullible to be taken in. He knows my very personal experiences. I mean, I don't want to give up. But if we're gonna carry on like this, there's no point, isn't it?

I feel like I'm being treated like a tool... Like the last time when we broke the cold war was because I was wanted as a keyboardist. Of course, I'm thankful for an opportunity to serve God, but then again, from a intrapersonal relationship point of view, yea that's what I feel. Then after that day... cold war.

But don't worry about me :) After what I've been through last year, I guess God has made me a much stronger person. Someone who can handle setbacks without collapsing. I suppose last year I did collapse for a period of time, when I just shut myself up. But nope I'm not gonna shut myself up. Because there's no need to. Haha. I'm still myself. No need to change who I am.

Btw when a while ago I thought the spiritual buddy thingy with my mentor won't work out... it just amazingly worked out :) Though I can't understand exactly what he's going through and help him physically, but what I can do is pray :) And the power of prayer can be really great :) I realised I just needed to put in a little little bit more effort and things will work out fine.

But what's different from THIS relationship is that... I did put in effort. Just that I can't be the one taking the initiative all the time. If I'm always the one taking the initiative, then... it feels kinda empty...

Anyway I'm on the verge of giving up this friendship. The moment I make up my mind to completely give up, haha it's to the point of no return. Like seriously. Once I give up, I will not turn back.

Once again, I'm not emo. Haha. I just have my own mindsets :)

Weekend

2011-01-29T23:37:00.002+08:00

After 2 weeks of school... haha pretty much adapted to the school atmosphere from the holiday mood. Haha. This week has been good :) New experiences in Year 5, and though lectures and talks and briefings may be not-so-interesting, but haha God's grace is always sufficient!

Today had a long day. Morning was parade... and I was impromptu Year 2 IC... so yea was quite shocked but good that I handled my responsibilities relatively well (I hope). Haha. And then afternoon was my Primers' interview. Atmosphere was really intense because... I have to come up with answers to questions that I have never thought will be posed. And so I was nervous. Like how to come up with honest answers, but at the same time phrase my words as comprehensively as possible.

After the interview needed time to cool down. Haha. Guess I was really... nervous. But yea I thank God that I still handled things well and... my Primers term will be a really meaningful one!

Life

2011-01-27T23:32:00.002+08:00

Haven't posted in quite a while already. Hmm actually it's more of... don't know what to post. And I needa sleep really soon. Tired. Half awake. So I'll post something short and sweet. Haha.

Pre-orientation was... okay. Lectures. Talks. Tried to stay awake and yea I managed to (for 95% of the time). Then today orientation started. Looks like it's gonna be fun.

Woo and guitar :) Can finally start practising now that I've a guitar at home. Thanks to Cindy for lending me her guitar :)

Haha next week CNY. Looking forward to the good food! :)

Prayer Items

2011-01-20T23:19:00.001+08:00

Fourth day of school. My IB journey hasn't exactly started. And in my life... there are a lot of things I needa settle. I'm praying about them... and I thought that perhaps I'll just share my prayer items in this post... (not ranked, they're in random order.)

Firstly is of course to have clean hands and a pure heart.

Psalms 24: 3-4 says, “Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.”

And my prayer is that I can guard my heart well against all the temptations in IB. Temptations that can come between my relationship with God and draw me away from Him. Temptations of pride, arrogance, achievements, etc... because I know that if I get sucked into this whirlpool it'll be so hard to get out. So yea firstly I'm praying for a well-guarded heart.

Secondly is for my BB cohort... can sense that some things are falling apart. People getting arrogant. Falling into earthly temptations of pride and arrogance. When ego burns high... and then people will forget that they need to be humble before God and men... I remember someone said this analogy about a hardware shop... God is creating all the hardware stuff, and we are the hardware... and since we're the hardware, how can we say that we're greater than the Creator of the hardware? IB has only started for four days... if we're really a cohort that falls prey to temptation so easily, all the more we need to be united and be spiritually accountable for one another!

Thirdly is for my Primers Application Form. Still dunno what to fill in. First choice would be to run for CE vice-head... but second choice I still dunno. Deciding between Service & Relations (SR) and Adventure. Hmm. Have been praying about it... but I hope to submit my application form by tomorrow so I can have my interview next Saturday.

Fourthly would be about church. I'm thinking of changing church. Sick of swimming around finding clicks all the time and in the end... like last Sunday, ended up washing cups in the kitchen. Every time I'm reminded about it... I just feel quite sad... sad that I've been putting in so much effort to attend the cell gatherings and then... still can't blend in. This Saturday I'm following my friend to his cell group... I mean it's good to have a look at other churches I suppose. But then again I always remind myself of Jesus' prayer on the mount of olives before being arrested. For Luke 22: 42 says, "Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." Of course I would want to change church because it's time I do something about it and stop procrastinating. But if God has plans for me in my own church then... I'll have to be obedience and submit to His will.

Fifthly would be for a spiritual buddy. Last year my spiritual mentor did offer to be my spiritual buddy and he said can try this out. But today I realised how important spiritual accountability is so important. Because if one is dwindling in faith and being drawn away from God, and there's another person to alert him and help him to return to God, the duration of this "lowness" in one's spiritual life can be shortened. This is how important spiritual buddies are... to keep one another in check and to pray for one another. And I don't feel this accountability with my spiritual mentor now. Perhaps it's because we have our own schedules... like he's busy with his stuff and it's quite hard to put 8 years of age gap aside... um so yea I'm praying for a spiritual buddy.

I guess I would have definitely missed out some stuff... but yea generally these are my prayer requests... I hope tomorrow I'll feel better at cell. I guess I'll bring one of my Year 5 texts to read if I'm tired of swimming. So yea. Feeling really confused because I've a lot of questions in my life. Right now... at this very moment, I'm not emo. I'm not disappointed. It's more of... thinking and pondering about stuff... and I want to look forward to each day of my life, waiting upon the Lord...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

Be Strong!

2011-01-19T14:46:00.002+08:00

Guess I really have to be strong. Hearing the people around me so musically talented... can guitar... sing and harmonize so much better than me... and music being probably one of the very few ways I'm talented in... just makes me feel so inferior.

I know I have to be strong. Focus on God and not on men. Focus on God and not on myself...

I need to get my perspective right. No way I'm falling into another whirlpool and struggle to get out of it. No way. Alex, you gotta get your mentality right.

Yes I will... Whatever that I have, I just offer myself to God and serve Him in every way I can!

New Insights

2011-01-18T20:58:00.000+08:00

Oh it feels so sad. Feels like no one's reading my blog anymore. But haha doesn't matter to me. I'll still write posts all the same. :)

Anyway, today's PC talk... hahaha after the break my right eye got super itchy was rubbing it and that's why my right eye was so red after the talk. And my guitar progress not bad I guess. Can play G major common chord progressions liao. :) Just needa work on strumming patterns but oh well I need practise :P

But today's PC thought struck me and gave me a new insight into stuff. About relationships and friendships... and I realise a lot of our friendships are getting really superficial. And one of my used-to-be-close-friends (though we haven't known for very long) is sorta a fever kind of thing. We got quite close for a while then after that haha cold war. Still having cold war. But oh I can't be taking the initiative all the time right. If he doesn't wanna take the initiative then... even if this friendship continues, it's gonna be very tiring for me. Especially when soon my IB shiong-ness is all gonna start.

Yea and about sticky notes and push pins... it felt like... when I have made this new friend, he'll write my name on a sticky note and paste it on the wall (though most of the time I guess I was the one initiating conversations...) and then after a while, when the adhesiveness of the sticky note disappears, then the sticky note just falls to the ground and boom I'm forgotten. So I hope it's a reminder to all of us... if we don't want our friendships to crumple, make it a point to use a push pin to put up our sticky notes... so that we won't forget our friends yea.

Let not our friendships be one-sided and a temporary fever. But rather, let our friendships be long-lasting and mutual. :) And btw I like my new blog skin :)

IB, Here I Come!

2011-01-17T22:27:00.000+08:00

Today was first day of my 2 years of IB. Went to school in the blue tie I was wearing for the past 4 years, then at around 9.30am, I was wearing my blue-and-yellow tie with the ACS crest. How awesome! Change tie already... but that signifies the beginning of 2 years of... hardcore studying? Haha.

I'm in OG5. And my OG all guys... but really cool to meet my primary school friend again! Haha he's in the same OG as me :) It's a small world after all yeah :P

Hmm regarding yesterday in church... won't wanna comment much. Just that the feeling came back again. Feeling of not being part of a group... so I just went to the kitchen and oooo so many cups might as well make myself useful so I went to wash all the cups then when I'm halfway done then my spiritual mentor came and helped me. But oo like people didn't really notice I'm not in the dining area anymore so... anyway it's over I don't wanna elaborate more. Oh and I screwed up big time during choir practise also. For the song that I'm playing piano la. Just super pissed at myself a song that I've been playing so long and still can't get it right.

Anyway back to where I was... about IB. Yea. Um my friend's teaching me guitar :) I guess I'm a rather slow learner. And I know I lack practise because I don't have a guitar at home. And I know I needa be more mature in a lot of ways. Not just in behaviour, but also how I handle situation, and my perspective of things.

I'm just gonna commit my IB life to God... and pray that I will guard my heart well. Because I know that results, achievements, pride, etc can all be distractions when pertaining to my focus on God. Hmm guess I'll need a lot of discipline... pray for me k? :)

Resolutions

2011-01-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

Haha finally did my resolutions during Primers' retreat! Was a really really good retreat because it was a time of fellowship, praying for one another, and really seeking God and placing Him as the focus. And my first time leading worship... I guess it went okay and I must say my guitarist really helped me a lot and he did an awesome job! But we mustn't forget that without an awesome God, all these would not be possible!

As a worship leader... I guess there is still a lot for me to learn. And there are many ways in which I can improve... but I suppose I managed to get the message of my worship across... and it just feels so great to be able to do something for God!

Hmm regarding resolutions. I suppose I'll post them here... but I did pray and meditate before I listed out these resolutions! :) And what God told me was that my weaknesses can be made strong in Him! And after reflecting and thinking... I did come up with some stuff... I listed out my weaknesses, which are 1. relating to people, 2. working with people, 3. being easily affected by emotions.

And so I came up with these resolutions.

1. To forget/forgive my painful and unhappy experiences with people (disappointments with spiritual buddies and close friends)

2. To love people with selflessly like how Jesus did

3. To smile for Him, and always open up myself to Him to be filled with His joy and peace, because that's how I can be a good testimony for Him as well!

4. To be humble before God and men...

and along with other commandments that as a Christian I know I must work towards achieving.

And oh yesterday for cell, I was pianist and I did try something interesting... word painting. Haha. Like I listened closely to what worship leader was saying in between songs and during prayer and I tried playing my chords in a way that blends with the contents of the speech/prayer. Dunno how well I did in that aspect but I thought as the pianist, what I can do is to assist my worship leader in conveying the message that he wants to bring across so... yea.

And like I said before, I'm a very emotional person. So I thought maybe I should just clarify something. That all my previous posts are all based on my emotions at that point in time. And that's what I hope to avoid in the future. Not just on blog. But everywhere. That I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me. Haha. Summarized it in one sentence :P

I guess that's about it for the day. I still have quite a bit of stuff that I want to say but it's late I want to sleep and I and don't want to wake up late tomorrow and end up having to chionggg through my wash up and stuff tomorrow morning before church so good night :)

Steering Wheel

2011-01-13T00:42:00.000+08:00

I realised... when I let God take the steering wheel I feel so much better. Though generally speaking I'm still not in a good mood... but at least all these things are made more bearable.

And regarding my BB cohort. Well since I've made a decision to join Primers then I shouldn't think too much! Just relax and take things naturally. And leave everything to God, and let His will be done!

Today's BB Day was... okay? Haha personally it was quite funny because just before parade started when it was after I have fallen in, someone adjusted my cap for me. And I just felt... really weird. And the Primer beside me was giggling. And I was giggling as well because I knew I looked... really really weird. Haha.

Then after parade lepak until noon then went home. Actually I wanted someone to go watch Rapunzel with me because I missed the opportunity yesterday. Thanks to my piano teacher :( But anyway I didn't manage to find someone to watch Rapunzel... I heard that Rapunzel would be a good movie to lift and liven up dampened emotions, so I thought would be a good show for me. But there's really no point watching a movie alone right? I'll probably end up more emo than before I enter the cinema.

But anyway won't think too much. Leading worship for Primers' retreat tmr. First time leading worship... hope it goes well! And I pray that every single Primer attending the retreat will be blessed through the retreat! :) And I'm gonna let God take the steering wheel of my life... and let myself be filled with His peace and joy!

More Disappointments

2011-01-11T14:59:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling more like... I'm always the outcast wherever I go. Always the one left behind. And always the one being ignored whenever I try to speak.

I MEAN BEING THE OUTCAST IS SO COOL RIGHT. ALWAYS THE ONE STANDING ALONE. NO NEED TO FEEL ACCOUNTABLE TO ANYONE.

And I have been having this question in my mind... Does my BB cohort appreciate me for who I am? Or do they only appreciate me because of... keyboard/piano? I'm beginning to feel that the second question suits the context more... perhaps one day, if I no longer have perfect pitch, and I suck at the keyboard, then I'll just be the most useless person in the cohort, and there's no reason for me to part of the cohort anymore? IDK.

Had a really horrible day. Supposed to go and watch Rapunzel with 2 of my BB friends. Last night was searching for afternoon shows because morning I was supposed to have piano at 11+ or 12pm. Then this morning I got a message that they're watching Rapunzel at 11+. So okay lor. Though I really hoped that a movie would cheer me up when I'm in a rather bad mood these few days, never mind lor. If you all plan to suit your own timings and I can't make it then so be it. These few days I'm feeling so disappointed already. Feeling so numb to all these disappointing events liao. Then they asked me if I would like to join them for lunch after my piano but I told them don't think can make it... which is partially true, but then again I just don't feel like going out anymore... rather stay at home myself.

Then I waited and waited for my piano teacher to come and then she didn't come so I sms her and she said she forgot she had class with me because she wrote down my timing wrongly in her notebook. Please la. I couldn't go watch movie because I wanted to have this piano class as my piano exams are coming soon. Then now... seriously everybody taking me for a joke is it?!

Honestly I don't feel accountable to anyone. Last 2 months... the people who offered their friendship but then pangseh me now... thank you for the false hope you've given me. I SOOOOO NEEDED IT. I realised that I'm always the one taking initiative to talk to you when I see you on MSN. I have stopped taking this initiative liao. I've been waiting for you to take the initiative. My phone is on. I'm waiting whenever I see you online on MSN. And all the while I've confided in you, and thinking that you're a friend that I can rely on...

Why do my closest friends all leave me whenever I confide in them... whenever I pour out my most personal problems and emotions and experiences to them...?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????!!!!

Perhaps the only form of encouragement is that... I got an A2 for Higher Chinese. I'm thankful for it... but what I need more is perhaps love that can warm my heart...

And since I'm being outcasted and ignored everywhere I go, I'll shut up. I'll only talk when I need to. If not I'll shut up. I won't talk. Most of the time when I talk and I'm ignored, I always tell myself, "Alex why can't you just shut your mouth? No one's listening to you!" And I never learn my lesson.

I guess it's time to learn this lesson.

New Blog Skin!

2011-01-09T23:10:00.002+08:00

Finally found a working new blogskin for my blog! Yay!

Today was good. Today I was church pianist for service and... guess there weren't any major screw ups haha. Then after church I went for a swim. At night went to play table tennis. Feeling so much healthier now. Haha!

Tomorrow I'm gonna go back to school... to get my Higher Chinese O Level results. Really nervous. Hoping for A1 or A2... but I know chances are really really slim. But I'm just gonna trust God. That His will be done and not mine... and that whatever results I get, I trust that He only has plans to prosper me!

So pray for me ba! And pray that whatever results I get, I can face it with a heart of thanksgiving! And after results collection got BB day rehearsal also. So... gonna be a mentally and physically tiring day. Haha.

Cold

2011-01-06T23:20:00.001+08:00

Tonight just feels... so cold. Externally cold. And internally cold too.

I guess tonight's just... my emo day. The no-one's-concerned-about-me feeling is just... back. Time and again I look at my phone... hoping for an sms asking me how I am doing or how I am feeling or are you feeling better from last week... Don't have lor. Zzz. The love that I experienced during church camp... is just suddenly... gone.

And I don't know why most of the time it's me who's taking the initiative to ask people how they are. I find it weird... cos these people I'm referring to are older than me. I mean it's... natural that the elder should take care of the younger and not the other way round right. Feeling really awkward about it because I'm not exactly an extrovert person.

I'm still waiting for this sms. A simple "Alex, I just want you to know that... I'm your friend and I'm always there for you when you need a listening ear... and that you're always in my prayers..." ....... haven't received such an sms in a really really really long time. Throughout the day when I walked to my phone and hoped that I would receive this sms... I'm just left with disappointed feelings.

Still quite satisfied that yesterday I patched things up with my 6-year-long friend. The entire event on 11 December turned out to just be a casual thing lor. My 6-year-long friend didn't take it seriously cos that entire thing was in a light and joking atmosphere. Seems like I was the only one to take it seriously and emo and brood over it. But now that it's over I shan't think too much about it. Perhaps thing about it and just laugh at how stupid I was to take things so seriously. Haha. But yea we've patched things up and hopefully we'll be as good as before :)

Still feeling cold. Still waiting for this sms. To be honest, I'm feeling really lonely. My honest feelings. Loneliness. Waiting for someone to just take the initiative to talk to me on MSN... Logged in for more than an hour already. And no one.

I'm still waiting.

Freedom

2011-01-05T00:13:00.003+08:00

Today didn't feel very good being at home. Because the "study" atmosphere is always there.

Like my siblings are studying when they get home. I mean they have to. Because school reopen for them liao mah. And what happens when my mum sees me relac-ing? She asks me to go read up on my Year 5 books. Says that this year is going to be a tough year and I should be doing more meaningful stuff. But please la. I really really need a break leh. And when I tell her I'm so tired from so much activity? She replies by saying that I'm not the only one. So what? Other mums are more... understanding in this sense.

I really need my own space. And how nice it would be to have a camp where I have no restrictions. Like I can just wake up at 12pm. Then brunch. Then do whatever I like. Of course must have keyboard and table tennis table. And how nice it would be to just spend this 3-day-2-night camp with one or two really really close friends.

Oh I really need a break. A break from conformation. A break from being told what to do all the time. And a break from seeing my mum's pissed off face when I don't sleep by 12am. And being scolded for sleeping late. And for being lectured time and again for not studying during my holiday. Bah. I do study a bit. But holiday. Please. Thank you.

Events Coming Up

2011-01-03T23:12:00.002+08:00

Today was... not bad. Woke up close to 11am. Which means that I'm getting back the sleep that I lack. Haha. Stomach's still quite bad... though I didn't have to use the toilet as many times as the past few days, which is something I should be thankful for :)

Hmm afternoon went to play table tennis. And good to feel that my reflexes are back... and my forehand power is back also. Today was really fun... and table tennis is always fun whenever I don't take the game too seriously. Of course must be serious to a certain limit but haha it just feels really good when I laugh so hard even though I lost the point. Haha.

Haha I'm sorta in charge of booking a resort for next week's Primers' retreat. It's from 13-14 Jan. So I guess I'll do with Aloha Loyang and since everything's online... saves a lot of trouble :) Really looking forward to the retreat... whereby as a cohort, we can have a time of spiritual rejuvenation, and to bond more closely with one another! :)

And BB day is coming soon. So there'll be a lot of BB day rehearsals. Actually not a lot. 3 rehearsals, then the actual thing (if I remember correctly). And guess I gotta get started on my Primers' Challenge reflection since it's due next Monday. Haha.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T22:53:00.002+08:00

Really thank God for answering my prayers... and letting me feel the warmth throughout the church during my church camp!

Yep on the first day I got to my campsite I... fell sick. Fever. Guess I'm too tired from... travelling so much and all the activities throughout the previous month. And then second day was even worse. Fever was still on and off, and then diarrhoea and vomiting and headache... and then third day (today) I lost half my voice, and I'm coughing... haha...

But good thing my fever went down. If not would be really hard to keep this news from my parents. Don't want them to worry about me. 16-year-old liao. Haha. But what really touched me... was the care and concern from the people around me, asking me if I'm okay, whether I need a rest, and questions like that... and I'm really touched to see people helping one another, and writing notes of encouragement for one another...

I'm still praying about this question that I have in mind... but aside from all these stuff...

I really enjoyed the countdown to 2011! Haha stepping on balloons when 2011 arrived... something I've never done before! But before the countdown... was really good that we were all told to write down stuff that we wanna forget on a piece of paper. This stuff could be... people? unhappy events? Yea it's quite obvious what I wrote down haha... My relationships with my 2 spiritual buddies, times of disappointment when people just took me for granted, etc... and I just committed all these to the Lord... and I know that through Him, I can move on, and not let these memories come into my way! :)

And I pray that everyone will have a really blessed and fruitful 2011 ahead! Jiayou everyone!

Primers' Challenge

2010-12-29T23:48:00.000+08:00

I really thank God for Primers' Challenge. I thank God from the bottom of my heart.

I thank God for letting me experience kampong conditions. Because it is through these conditions that I learn to appreciate what I have and not to take things for granted. And also through these conditions, I am able to better appreciate the natural world that God has created!

I thank God for the new friends, new bonds, and the experiences. Waterfall abseil, white water rafting, wet and dry caving... all these are new experiences for me! Though they're physically demanding... but that's the point right? Haha it's called a 'challenge' for a reason. Lol.

And these memories are enough to last me a lifetime! :) Thank God for giving me the courage, determination and enthusiasm while participating in these activities! And thank God that my stomach didn't give me any problems so I can just enjoy the activities! :)

And oh today for lunch... A&W! :)

Finished packing for church camp already. Haha. I just want to look forward to church camp with a prayerful heart. To serve. To worship. And to just be with Him. To spend time with God. And to seek Him.

Last night, during worship, I felt God speaking to me. And God told me to let go. To let go of all my worries and problems. And to just commit everything into His everlasting arms! :) And last night I was really touched during worship... and I just cried while singing Amazing Grace...

And oh before I forget. I love these trips when there are no family members. It's the only time I can spam chips. And that's what I did. Haha. Tomorrow if I've the chance I'm gonna spam also. I love chips. I'm addicted to the BBQ flavour one. :)

So... I'm gonna sleep soon. Really really tired. Honestly I didn't sleep that much on my return journey so... yea. Hopefully tomorrow on the bus I can catch up on sleep then. :) Good night!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T22:24:00.003+08:00

Here's wishing everyone a very merry and blessed Christmas! May we constantly be reminded of God's love, especially on this day... when we remember how He sent His Son to come to earth to die for our sins... all because our Father loves us...

And I'm wondering why... there are a few of my friends who do not wish to celebrate Christmas. And I was thinking... why? Because we're too affected by our emotions? Again... is OUR emotions. OUR. Self-centredness again... when we should be focusing on God all the time...

My Christmas was... good :) Was invited to attend a service at Oasis, and right now I feel that I should have gone... would have made my Christmas much more meaningful. But well, morning I was at home since there's no service today. I was finishing up my Christmas cards... and it was a really good time of silence, when I can think through what I really want to say, and to (hopefully) be an encouragement to my close friends through the content of the cards...

And regarding the rest of the day... I'll just summarise it into playing table-tennis and buying a new school bag for next year. Because I don't wanna focus on these details today.

Primers' Challenge tomorrow!!! At first I was really anxious and nervous about it... and I got even more stressed when my mum kept reminding me to keep my passport well... and asking a lot of "what ifs". I know she's concerned about me... and of course I don't blame her! But yea it did stress me up...

But after QT and praying... I feel so much better now. Because I know I'm safe in God's arms. Suddenly reminded of the hymn titled "God will take care of you"... right now, I'm actually really looking forward to tomorrow! Because I know it's going to be a new experience for me! And yea I really hope to experience Primers' Challenge with a prayerful heart... not just to have fellowship, but to continue to stay close to Him, and glorify Him in all that I do!

So yea will update more when I get back on Wednesday! Gosh when I'm back on Wednesday immediately gotta start packing for church camp haha! I'll definitely be busy... but it's gonna be a meaningful and memorable (hopefully) week for me ahead! Haha!

Disappointment

2010-12-24T21:53:00.004+08:00

Today was a day filled with disappointments...

First was I woke up in a really really bad mood. Because... today's just not my day I guess. And the ping pong session this morning... didn't exist. So I just stayed at home. And did more Math.

And then my brother didn't know how to do his Math... and he wasn't paying attention and putting in effort when I taught him. Dunno why... but I just got really pissed off and I shouted at him... and he cried... and I was like please I didn't hit you all I did was just scold you for not concentrating and...

Afternoon was slightly better I guess. Went to play ping pong with my siblings so... guess I compensated for this morning's supposed arrangement. And then I stretched to retrieve the ball and... I used my left knee again. Ouch. Three times liao. Zzz.

Then at night went to practise piano. Thought piano will cheer me up a little since I'm not in a good mood... but I screwed up all my scales like crazy... and the piece that I used to be able to play gracefully... I totally screwed it up and I couldn't stand it anymore cos my music was so horrible I closed my piano before I finished the piece. So yea.

And then I received a phone call saying that tomorrow's evangelism thingy at my church for my group would be cancelled... it was something that I was looking forward too... but on my part the people that I asked couldn't make it also.

So yea my day was disappointing.

But at least in my dictionary... disappointment doesn't equate to despair and helplessness. I still have God. He sees me through the seasons...

Guess it was just a bad day. Doesn't mean that after I picked myself up from last week means that there are no roller coasters in my emotional calendar. Today's... just not my day.

Cuz you had a bad day... you're taking one down... you sing a sad song just to turn it around...

Aches

2010-12-23T21:47:00.002+08:00

Haha relax... what I mean by aches is... body ache haha!

Guess I didn't sleep properly last night... maybe I tossed and turned a bit too much :( So I woke up with aches in my neck and my right shoulder. Was very very bad in the morning... but now I'm feeling much better. Though the aches are still there... oh I need a shoulder massage... Hahaha!

Today was okay. Just like the other two days. But I did something quite special this morning. Haha I went to do Math. I had to make sure I don't forget my Sec 4 Math so yea I went to do Math. Yea and surprisingly I remembered most of my stuff. Haha congratulations to me :)

Afternoon went to play table-tennis again. AGAIN. Haha. My favourite sport... nothing wrong with pursuing it what. Haha. Dunno why but today I just felt more serious. Lol! So yea in a sense since I played more seriously, I'm more emotional while I play hahahaha!

Really looking forward to the table-tennis session tomorrow morning. Haha hope the people who like to hang their bird cages at the table won't be there tomorrow. If not hafta chase them away lol!

Yesterday I started on the book of Jeremiah... read the synopsis of the book and really encouraged by how Jeremiah stood firm in the Lord although he was rejected by the people around Him and the world. Like no one listened to his prophecies etc...

And I haven't found my teddy bear's eye. Poor teddy... :'(

Thanksgiving

2010-12-22T22:03:00.000+08:00

Today has been a really great day... and I thank God for it! Actually, everyday's a great day... it just depends on whether I realise it or not. Haha.

I thank God for opening my eyes, so that I can come back to Him again. To be still, and know that He is God. And also to acknowledge Him as the Lord of my life!

Today I went on a long long run. Haha. From my house (in Ghim Moh), all the way to Holland Road, then to Farrer Road, then turn into Bukit Timah, then turn into Ngee An Poly, then all the way to Dover MRT, then back home. Haha. Hmm I'm not sure exactly what was the distance I ran but... Haha I thought it was more than 12km! And if it really is... then I broke my personal best :) And I really thank God for this run... that I am able to run. And during QT I just thought of the people who were less fortunate than me... and I did something really special... to pray for them. That God's presence would be there to comfort them... for all we need in our life is simply Him.

Was quite shack when I got home. But afternoon still went to play table-tennis. But could feel that I was tired. Physically tired... like my stamina running low. I suppose I drained most of it during my run haha!

And oh yesterday I forgot to mention that my teddy bear's eye dropped out. And I can't find his eye. My poor teddy... so sad... lost one eye... I feel so sorry for my teddy... Looks really cute... even without the eye haha :)

Hmm thanksgiving is something that I needa learn. To give thanks in all situations, regardless of whether they may seem good or bad... because I know that ultimately God only has plans to prosper me! :)

Praise the Lord!

Smiles

2010-12-21T21:40:00.003+08:00

Haha one thing about me... I try to avoid using the same post title twice. Yea there was a post titled "smile" so I added an extra 's' to my title. Haha. The word smiles... depends on how you look at it actually. It's quite interesting. Smile can mean... I only smiled once today... but it can also mean that I never stopped smiling! But smiles can mean... I smiled many times, but it can also mean that I stopped smiling. But no I was never in a bad mood! The word 'smiles' simply means that I don't want to repeat my post title. Haha.

Today was... fun! :) Followed grandma to the bank, so couldn't go for the run that I wanted. I really wanted to test out my waterproof earphones. Only cost RM 15 so wanted to see if those earphones really really work or whether it was just a scam. Haha. Hope I can go for my run tomorrow. Really excited whether... the music would turn out different??? I hope it doesn't. If not then RM 15 down the drain. Haha.

Afternoon went to play badminton. So finally no table-tennis for one day. Dunno why I use the word finally but... haha! After not playing badminton for so long... my strokes all rusty liao. Missed simple smashes and the like. But after a while managed to get back my feel for the racket and the shuttlecock haha! But one thing I realised about me when it comes to racket sports... my backhand more consistent. Haha. At least I didn't lose much form when I executed backhand strokes.

So today was a rather meaningful day haha! In a sense that... I enjoyed my day, and I didn't think negative thoughts... I kept myself happy :) And it just feels so different when I open myself up to God, because I am more able to concentrate on my tasks at hand... and also to focus on Him.

And I really thank God for His graciousness. Cos He gave me the concentration that I need haha! I finished quite a lot of important stuff these 2 days. Stuff like... Primers Challenge forms and related stuff, my reflections for my BB SG duty (haha though I had to edit it into something really different eventually), and typing out a score for the supposed church camp theme song! Hmm I'm so happy... cos I see this assignment to type out the score for the church camp theme song as a way of my offering to God! It's one small thing amongst the many many other things that I can do for God though.

But yea this week would be a mini-break for me. I'm really looking forward to Saturday... the mini evangelism session in church. Though the friend that I tried to invite can't make it... I'll see if I can invite my cousins :) And next week would be really really really really busy... Primers' Challenge and church camp! I'm pianist for 2 of the P&W sessions so really thank God for this chance to serve... and I hope that I can do better. Not so much technically, but more of... feeling the link to God while I'm serving, now that I'm on the right track and I've gotten back the focus that I need.

Haha that's all for now! Don't wanna run out of stuff to type tomorrow lol!

Lord, I'm Back

2010-12-20T22:12:00.000+08:00

Finally got my thoughts straightened out... and my emotions as well...

For the entire of today, I felt the peace that I haven't been feeling for the past few days. And I know that this peace that I feel comes from God... because I have opened up my heart to Him, and let Him guide, and to just live my life for Him, and rejoice and be glad in the day that He has made!

Remember about three weeks back... the bus ride that made me want to place God as the top priority in my life? The sad thing is... I haven't been doing that. All these while. I've just been focusing on myself, and I forgot my identity - that I am His child, His beloved son... and that He's my Father...

To put things bluntly, I saw myself being extremely arrogant the past few days. Why? Because I only saw the flaws in others... and I failed to see the flaws in myself. During my time of reflection in Malacca, I realised that all my reflections revolved around myself, and I began to lose focus of God... and that explains the nonsense blog posts that I typed when I came back from Malacca. Haha.

But I'm back. It feels so good to commit myself to Him again... and to know that I belong to Him. My sense of belonging should not revolve around people... all I need is to know that my sense of belonging comes from Him. That I am His. And when I mean that I belong to Him, it means that I surrender my life to Him, and let Him mould me, and guide me.

And in Him, I will never feel tired again. Never emotionally tired. Because I can always draw strength from Him! God is just a prayer away... and I can come before Him wherever and whenever. He's always there for me... but was I always there for Him?

This verse really inspired me during my QT today...

Isaiah 64: 8 says,

"And yet, Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay, and You are the potter. We are all formed by Your hand."

So what I'm gonna do is... I'm gonna let go of things. I need not worry about my relationships with people... because God will take care of them. All I need to do is to let go and let God. To simply trust in the Lord, and not lean on my own understanding, and when I do so, He will make my paths straight!

Lord, I'm back! Make me Yours forever!

Smashed and Shattered

2010-12-19T20:51:00.000+08:00

Today was quite an okay day for me... Sunday special Christmas service, then lunch with cell mates, then home.

Honestly I'm feeling really shattered inside. I feel like... I'm losing my grip on my friends. People. Friendship. Relationships.

And right now I don't hope for much. I may be taking the initiative to start a conversation, but I don't hope for any reply. I may send out an sms of concern for the other person, but I don't hope for any reply. Why? Because the greater my hope is, the greater my disappointment.

What I mean in this sense is... hoping in people. My hope for God will never diminish no matter how unpromising situations are.

But I'm really thankful for the sharing with my spiritual mentor today... though it was just a short sharing while walking to buy food and walking back from buying food.

My entire afternoon was just... feeling like crap when I got home. Even when I went downstairs to play table tennis. I was just super distracted and couldn't focus on the game. Though I won most of the sets but still... I could feel that I was not myself. It was just... my reflexes that saved me those points but I didn't play with strategy cos I was too distracted. I was merely waiting for my opponent to make mistakes.

Perhaps God just wants to shatter me... so that He can mould me into someone new? But this process is really really painful... and it even drives me to breaking down. Like last night. I couldn't take it anymore. So it was another night when I cried myself to sleep.

I'm trying so hard to hold on to the close friendships that I have. And I feel most of them slipping away. Why? Why? Why! Why do people not reciprocate the efforts that I put in?! Sometimes I sms people... hoping for a reply... and when there's no reply... I sms again... and there's no reply... and now I learnt my lesson.

To just give up. Completely give up. Give up hope. When there's no hope there'll be no disappointment. Cos when there's no hope things just can't get any worse.

And sometimes people just give me hope... only to shatter it again... help me up, only to push me down much further... and now I have to stand up. I have to find a way to stand up. To stand up before school reopens. And I want to stand up. But I do not dare hope that someone will be there to help me up again. Because I don't want more disappointments.

Thank you to all those who have tried to help me up. Although some of you have pushed me down again... but thanks for the small duration of hope you all have given me.

Back

2010-12-18T21:52:00.000+08:00

Finally back from Malacca after a 7-day trip :)

I won't really wanna say much about what happened during these 7 days... I'll just summarize them into one paragraph...

I bought new shirts, a new pair of slippers, new shorts... and finally waterproof earphones! Finally I have nice earphones for running so I won't feel so bored or easily tired :) And yea I did a lot of thinking.

And I realised that all these while...

I hope in people, only to receive disappointments...

I trust people, only to receive betrayals...

And throughout this year... is when two of my most important friendships, or rather, relationships, crashed. Although this year I've tried my best to be really tolerant. And to really put in effort in sustaining friendships.

But no matter how much I put in... some of them feels really really one-sided...

I really don't wanna be so one-sided up to the point when people find me irritating. But then again, sometimes if I don't take initiative, I'm just afraid that the friendship may just crumble.

And regarding last Saturday's incident... I've thought it through. I won't wanna take the initiative to approach my "friend". I don't exactly know the reason myself... but maybe because I'm tired? If he didn't trust me enough to give me the chance to explain myself, and if he doesn't have enough faith in this friendship that I would be such a hypocritical person, then forget it. There's no point salvaging this friendship.

Perhaps another reason is that... I don't have the courage to approach him... Because this side of me could be a side that he would have never imagined to exist? But then again as a friend... a close friend... I thought he would stand by me, and be able to put himself into my shoes to understand what I was going through at that point in time...

I have got most of my thinking straightened out. What my next hurdle will be... is meeting people. Tomorrow would be a challenge for me. Because there's Sunday service and I'm gonna meet people. People who have access to my blog. And I am beginning to question myself about the previous blog post... perhaps I shouldn't have written this post? I don't want to be bombarded with questions... questions that I'm still not prepared to answer.

I'm really afraid. Every time I'm reminded of what happened last Saturday, my mood just goes downhill...

And I'm really afraid that my friendships are going to crumble as well. I'm trying my best... putting in effort... but then again not everyone reciprocates the effort that I put in.

I'm really tired. Tired from the recent event. Tired from the entire year's disappointments and setbacks. I don't know how I'm going to stand up and be the Alex that I used to be. But I know that I have to stand up before school reopens. I still have 1 more month to stand up. And I really hope that it's not me trying so hard and struggling so hard to stand up. I hope it's gonna be someone who's willing to help me stand up.

Tearing Apart

2010-12-12T06:32:00.003+08:00

Yesterday... I did try to be optimistic... but I couldn't and I didn't.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. It was just so bad that... the journey back home on the bus for me was the most terrible bus rides that I ever had... The betrayal of 6 years of friendship... that judgmental stare... that sudden feeling of nakedness and exposure... it just feels like I was being robbed of one of the most important treasures of my life...

One of my closest friends. Known him for 6 years. Used to share some of my personal problems with him. And yesterday... that 6 years of rapport and friendship... came to an end. Not sure about his side. But I no longer trust him enough to consider him as a friend. And as I'm writing this blog post... I'm tearing. I'm just gonna let my emotions... flow freely. No point bottling it all up. I thought that an entire night of sleep would do me some good. But I'm waking up feeling worse than before...

It happened like this... I'll just briefly go through it... I actually made a wrong decision in Sec 1. And that became the turning point of my life. My spiritual life started going downwards. I wasn't serious about God. But when I became serious about Him, I tried my best to change my life... and at this point in time I would say that I managed to get myself back on the right track with God again. Before this incident happened... I was really thankful for all these. In fact I am still thankful for it right now. I'm thankful that God has accepted me again. I'm thankful for His forgiveness and patience in waiting for me to turn back...

But yesterday... when it was supposed to be a casual conversation with an officer and this "friend" was listening as well... I was just being "dug out" and... this wrong decision that I made... was made known. At least to the two of them. The officer didn't take it seriously and said that it's normal for people to make this wrong decision... but at least to me it's not normal... and the judgmental stare from him... eyes wide... mouth agape... and he walked away without giving me a chance to explain myself.

This wrong decision was one of the deepest secrets that I have buried deep inside of me. And I only shared it with my second "spiritual buddy". But now that we have ceased to share this special relationship... And now someone who seemed so close to me... knows about it. These two years I didn't share it with him because I knew he would respond this way. But now he knows about it... and... I just feel like I'm gonna tear apart. After he walked away yesterday with the surprised expression... all I can do is hope that he will keep it a secret for me. And regarding the point of whether he will actually keep it a secret... I dare not hope much given his personality.

Right at this point in time... I'm feeling so afraid. I no longer have the courage to meet up with my BB friends; although they were not present at the conversation, but they were present for the car flag-off yesterday. And this "friend" of mine... I really don't know whether he'll keep it a secret for me. And I'm actually beginning to feel thankful for this holiday. Thankful that I can stay away from the people that I know. That I can just stay away from all my friends.

And yesterday's entire experience just felt like it was a total nightmare for me. And right now I'm having such a poor mental state that I still cannot believe that what happened yesterday really happened.

I hope that during this eight days, I can clear up some of my emotions and straighten my thoughts... and get back a little bit of courage to meet up with people again. But right now I just want to be away. Because I need to be away.

If only he had given me a chance to explain myself. If only he had been enough of a friend... to stand beside me and encourage me when I needed encouragement the most.

Yesterday, all my courage... was destroyed...

Oh God... Please help me... I need You now...

Reflection

2010-12-11T01:21:00.002+08:00

Yay! I finally finished my 5-day-shift at BB HQ! These 5 days were good... in a sense that I'm occupied and that I know I'm doing something meaningful. Really thankful to God because although there were problems here and there... but these problems were solved and things managed to proceed smoothly!

But it's during those times when I'm less occupied... that those depressing thoughts start to come in. The feeling of... aloneness. And sometimes the feeling that I get is... that of giving up. Of course I'm not giving up on my faith! What I mean is... giving up on the hope that I'll have a friend who's really close to me... and to seal up this aloneness.

One more day to going overseas. And for this remaining day... I'll try to look at it with a positive point of view. To try to face the day with thanksgiving instead of pessimism. But somehow this emptiness is still present within me...

Oh I really needa get some thinking done. Needa really sit down and reflect... especially about my relationship with my cell members. Honestly, I don't feel close to any of them. Like even putting an arm around my cell mate's shoulder... I need a lot a lot a lot of courage. Because the gap is just there. And it can be really difficult to try to relate to people that are on average eight years older than me...

Feel like I need another run. One that won't get me lost hahaha. One that helps me to sort out my thinking instead. But oh well no time to run tomorrow. I mean today. Morning till evening will be BB car flag-off. I dunno if I'm going down to Oasis for the Christmas event. I'll see what time the flag-off ends then decide... but if I'm not going to Oasis I'll probably go for a run. Although I'm really really tired already but I don't care. Haha.

Really mentally and physically tired. Shack.

Downhill

2010-12-09T00:55:00.000+08:00

BB SG these two days were really challenging days... but they were fun :) Generally boys were quite cooperative... and we managed to get things done efficiently!

But during moments when I am alone... and I reflect... somehow I just feel so alone... the loneliness just crept in and made me feel really really empty. It's the feeling of... when I feel that it's just me alone. And when I'm really longing for someone... someone who understands me... and someone who knows me... and someone who really cares for me...

And when it comes to the above aspects... I then realise that there is no one whom I'm really close to. Most of the time... it's just me alone facing my emotions. And there's just... no one to put an arm around my shoulder... not even the people whom I thought were closer to me.

I haven't forgotten my resolutions about letting go and trusting in God. It's not that I don't wanna take initiative to really being the extrovert one and care for others... but it's more of the fact that I'm really really really really very very very tired. And I know I'm going downhill. Emotionally downhill. When it comes to these kinda things... somehow I just feel that if I decide to let someone else take the initiative... I'll just be left alone.

Alone. That's how I'm feeling right at this very moment. But who will be willing to put his arm around my shoulder?

Share-a-Gift

2010-12-07T00:26:00.002+08:00

Haha today... wait. I mean yesterday. Haha (since it's already past midnight). Yesterday was my first day of my five-day-shift. And though it was really challenging in a lot of ways... I believe I must always reflect on it with a heart of thanksgiving!

First I really want to thank God that I can get a chance to do something for the greater good! :) Though I'm only involved in bringing these food items to the beneficiaries in a much indirect way, I'm still really thankful that through my little efforts here and there... I can be a blessing unto others!

The boys at HQ today managed to get things done, though I would really say that they could have performed much better haha! But no matter how wonderful or marvelous a person is... there's always room for improvement because no man is perfect... there are many times which we all had to shout so that we could get things done... and reflecting upon this... Haha today onwards I'll try to communicate more with the boys so that I can strike a balance yea :)

And today I'm gonna camp overnight at HQ! Haha I suppose it's gonna be really fun cos my friend's gonna bring his guitar and we can sing till 3am and no one really cares. Haha!

Looking forward to my duty later on in the day... cos I believe God has greater plans for me! Haha and oh btw learning new stuff yesterday was really fun as well. Learning stuff from the warehouse i/c that was one shift before mine. So yea you can guess that I'm warehouse i/c. Haha! :)

Brand New Week

2010-12-06T00:19:00.000+08:00

It's a brand new week... a week that the Lord has made... and let us all rejoice and be glad in it!

Haha for today's post... no negative or emo comments. Everything will be kept lively, and positive, and encouraging! Yay!

JLPT was not too bad I suppose. Haha. Feel much lighter now that it's all over hahaha! And the results... I'll leave everything to God ba. No point worrying. Why? Because worrying can be described as a cycle... a cycle that is so difficult to break out from... haha just like the circumference of a circle. And since a circle has no points, worrying has no points as well. Therefore, there's no point worrying. Lmao.

After JLPT went for a quick bite. I had wanted to sit down for a nice long meal. But realised I don't have cash!!! So I had toast. It wasn't exactly filling... but filling enough to not make me feel hungry. Haha. Then went back for choir. Won't go into details... but I would say that generally choir was okay. :)

Lots of good food at grandma's belated birthday celebration. Felt really awkward meeting relatives though. Probably cos I'm not really close to them. Just feel like... a gathering of acquaintances. Pardon me for bad grammar or vocab... but yea you get what I mean. Haha.

Tomorrow would mark the beginning of my 6-days-in-a-row-of-BB-SG-duties. Or rather. Today morning. Hahaha. First would be the stay-at-the-warehouse-for-five-days-shift, followed by the flag-off-a-car-shift. Hmm. I hope to face this week ahead with a prayerful heart. And to feel excited about it. Because I want to be a blessing unto others. To those not as fortunate as me. We love, because He first loved us... and I just pray that I can look forward to these days of duties with a heart of thanksgiving and service! :)

May God continue to light the path ahead of me, and continue to be my source of strength and guidance!

Roller Coaster

2010-12-04T19:53:00.009+08:00

To think that yesterday I happily concluded the day thinking that I don't need to be down for my PAA key event for BB Share-a-Gift.

I check my entire email inbox for a notification about today's supposed event. But I forgot about my handphone. And today... while eating lunch at Burger King, I found the notification on my phone that was sent close to 3 weeks ago.

How smart I am la. First I get lost while going on a run. And now this. Haiz at that point in time I just felt... really really stupid. Like how I can't get things right... and I seem to screw up stuff all the time. Somehow or rather... I seem to mess up whatever I'm involved in.

So what could I do? Of course sms HQ lor... so HQ asked me to make up on the 11th and I said okay. Although I was going overseas on the 11th. But yea I thought I could push back my Malacca trip by one day. And I thought things were settled and so I went to Oasis in an okay mood thinking everything will be fine...

And what happened when I got home? Everybody directing their remarks at me. For being forgetful. Being blur. Like I'm feeling so happy about forgetting my duty. It's not that I'm irresponsible... it's honestly a slip of my mind. If I had discovered the sms last night, today I would have definitely gone for the key event. Haiz...

Initially my parents actually don't want to change date for Malacca trip. But 11th is the only day I can make up right?! There are no other dates available already!!! It's like... I suddenly felt that I had no way out... like I was being trapped in a corner... so I told my parents... it's either my mum and I book 2 tickets for 12 December, or I don't go. Honestly. I don't feel like going overseas. Like what I've been saying, what I need is a break, not a holiday. Not some fancy fancy overseas trip... but just to have time to be still and reflect.

Eventually my parents still budged and my dad said he'll book 2 tickets for 12 December. Though I would still prefer to stay in Singapore. But I'm still super super pissed off at myself... if only I had been more thorough last night... maybe all these wouldn't have happened. If only... I had been more organised to jot down reminders when I immediately got the sms... Haiz WHY AM I SO BLUR!!!

On a higher note... I thank God for today's time at Oasis... impromptu worship band haha! Impromptu keyboardist... practising the songs 1 hour before the actual worship... but I suppose worship went well... no major screw ups at least haha. And the thanksgiving session as well... seriously when the mike was directed at me, I wasn't prepared for that at all! Like... all of a sudden I didn't know what do say because I didn't phrase my thoughts properly before that.

Haha but now I'll "deliver" my official thanksgiving speech. Now that I have the time to think through and phrase my thoughts properly... I really thank God for the camp from the bottom of my heart. I thank God for my activity group, and for my family group... and for knowing David and Jed. Especially David :) Haha though didn't get a chance to talk to him at the camp, but yea I really hope this friendship can last for a lifetime :) You have really encouraged me a lot! :)

I still need time to adjust to my new specs. I look really really weird in specs. Maybe too used to seeing myself without specs for 3 years already. Haha. But yea I just need time to get used to specs I suppose. It's like... a completely new lifestyle already haha! And having to learn how to take care of my specs... everything...

Wow things are like going on a roller coaster. It's like... so many things are happening at the same time. And I just feel so out of breath. Like I just can't catch up with the pace of my life. That's why I want a break. A holiday, to me, won't actually slow down this pace of life and give me time to catch my breath!

Sigh tomorrow is my JLPT liao. Zzz. Feeling quite nervous about it. But I told God I'm just going to commit everything to Him. If I pass... haha that's good. If I fail... haha I won't be too hard on myself. Passing or failing don't mean much to me haha. Not to say that I'm not gonna take this seriously though... Haha :) But no matter how difficult the test may be tomorrow... Haha I'll be sure to walk out of the exam centre with a smile because I know that He only has plans to prosper me, and not to harm me! :)

God Touches Lives

2010-12-04T00:29:00.000+08:00

Today's bus trip back from cell has been a transforming one... I won't say that the experience was overwhelming, but it's really amazing how God has inspired me to reflect upon so much during this single bus trip. Haha.

I was listening to the song "My Jesus, My Saviour", and I thought of how we often do not mean what we sing. Like even during worship, we might just be singing for the sake of singing... and we do not even ponder upon the meaning of the lyrics...

"Nothing compares to the promise I have in you..." how often do I sing that... but never actually mean what I sing? That single line of lyrics really really made me think a lot... about how God actually wasn't really the top priority in my life... and that there are actually so many distractions along the way...

And somehow... I just suddenly experienced this peace in my heart that I have never experienced for so long. That all I need to do is to trust God with my life. To completely let go and let God. Not to say that I'm going to let go and then worry about tomorrow... and emo... but... to just really really let go.

And I want to remove all these distractions in my life. So that I can just focus on Him.

And I need to learn how to be humble. God gave me gifts and talents for a purpose. And I know that I want to do stuff for God. And when I mean putting God as my no. 1 priority... it means that I'm not doing all these stuff for myself. But for God alone. To learn to serve Him better. And to just break this alabaster jar at His feet, even though it's all that I have of worth...

God's Love For Us

2010-12-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

Lost

2010-12-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

Today morning seemed like a good time to go for a run. But to me it wasn't a run. It was... about getting lost and finding my way home!

Haha to be honest I found myself quite stupid this morning. Going for a run without water bottle, money and handphone. I didn't think too much cos... the times that I ran 12km, I survived without all these. So yea. Thought history would repeat itself.

True enough, I survived, but the experience wasn't that nice haha. What I had planned to do was to run to Bukit Timah and loop back home through Farrer Road. But i. got. thirsty. And I had no money, no handphone. So can't call home for help. Haha. I tried to act smart by cutting through private estates to get home quickly... but then I got lost. Lol!

So it was... around 45 minutes trying to figure my way out? I suppose I only managed to find my way out because I asked for directions. But it was really tiring. Walking up-slope and down-slope again and again. Haiz. Who can I blame but myself. Haha.

Today went well. Another happy day. Though I couldn't manage to settle a lot of my thoughts and emotions during the run... I suppose the run made me tired enough to not think of anything upsetting!

Went to see optician in the afternoon. i. need. specs. haha. Astigmatism in left eye got worse. Asked for frameless specs because I want to try something different. And the specs provided UV protection so haha worth getting one :)

But when I think of tomorrow... it just makes me feel so uncertain. Because tmr night there's cell. I don't know why but I just feel... so afraid. I don't want to feel left out... it's like everyone is part of a click and I'm... swimming around???

Haha I hope tomorrow won't be too bad...

Sunshine

2010-12-01T23:49:00.000+08:00

Finally woke up in a better mood today. Today was good. I was kept occupied. So don't have time to think of stuff that will trigger unhappiness. Haha.

First was wake up. Then study my Japanese handbook. Then gym cos I paid fees but never go in almost a week liao. Haven't been going regularly and mum doesn't wanna waste her money so keep asking me to go. So I go lor. Then after that was lunch. Then finish studying jap! Yay! Then haircut. Haha.

Then table tennis... then dinner... then TV. Ninja warrior made me laugh like crazy hahahaha never laughed like that in such a long time. But then again that laughter isn't long-term la. Only temporary. Then after TV I went to do practice questions for my JLPT this Sunday.

Suddenly remembered how a sec 3 in my AQ team used to call me "sunshine". It was a nice name haha. Cos he said that I used to smile a lot... and lighten the mood and make others feel happy also. But now that smile seems to be gone. I don't feel like I'm the sunshine that I used to be.

I needa organise my thoughts soon. But circumstances just don't allow. I need peace and quiet... Haha how nice it would be if I could just sit at the beach... with no one around... just God and me. And I can just organise my thoughts... and just... replenish myself with the energy that has been drained from all these emotional struggles.

I'm really tired. I need a break. And yes I have lost faith and trust in humans. For me to gain back that trust... it would not be easy... because every time I gain a little trust, it just shatters and vanishes.

That's why it's always good to have a quiet world of my own. A world whereby I can just hide inside it whenever I feel emo.

My tolerance level is beginning to run low... and I'm really wondering how the talk between my spiritual mentor and my cell leader is going? Coming to think of it... I suppose it would be better if I get someone to take over me as pianist for the song. I can sing. At least well enough, I think. I don't want to sit in front of the piano every choir session and just feel so afraid that I will blunder up the next note or chord.

Maybe I should go for a run tomorrow. Haven't gone for a run in a long long long long time. I keep procrastinating cos I don't have waterproof earphones. But hey I don't need earphones to run, do I? Haha. Maybe when the world around me is quiet... I'll have time to settle my emotions, and get things right. I may not be able to get everything settled within me... but at least, from experience, when I'm in a really emo mood, running helps me by brightening up my day a little.

I just hope that the sunshine within me can be awakened... and will be awakened. I want to smile the genuine smile again.

Smile

2010-11-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

The feeling came back again. I don't know why... it just suddenly... came back. And don't know why... these few days I just suddenly feel so emotionally... downhill...

I want to put on a genuine smile on my face... especially when I meet people. I don't want to smile for the sake of smiling. I just can't smile from the bottom of my heart...

I wish I can bring back the smile when I first walked into Universal Studios during BB company camp. That was one of the few times when I really really smiled from the bottom of my heart...

Now I just feel so empty. And right now I'm feeling so horrible. The memories just... came back all of a sudden. And I thought of how someone pulled me up when I fell down... but in the end shoved me even harder against the ground...

I'm learning how to respond to these memories when they just come back. I have forgiven... but I just can't forget. No matter how hard I try... they're still at the back of my mind.

And the cell group that used to encourage me... right now I don't feel the sense of belonging anymore...

I just feel... crushed. Crushed by how things happen so fast. And all these things happened in a single year. Oh I really feel so tired... I hope someone can pull me up... and not let me fall down...

Eventful December

2010-11-29T21:38:00.001+08:00

Haha originally I wanted to name this post "Busy December", but the word "busy", to me, has a rather negative connotation. Like making me feel out of breath kinda thingy so yea. I think this would be a more encouraging title! :)

This Sunday gonna take JLPT. Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I suddenly feel that perhaps I shouldn't have signed up. Haha. Because I'm studying when everyone else is slacking. Doesn't really make sense (and dollars) but yea. Haha. Anyway I really hope I can pass... Mum says that she regret letting me quit Japanese this year around March. She said I should have just persevered during these few months. But what's done is done. I can't turn back time, can I? Lol.

And next Monday to Friday will be BB Share-a-Gift duty. Five full days at BB HQ. I hope I don't tire myself out too much. After JLPT I would already be quite mentally tired. And after BB SG duty I suppose I will be physically tired? Haha. That's why I prefer to stay in Singapore instead of going overseas. I'm leaving next Saturday. Which means I have almost no time to pack! So it'll be quite crazy for me. Like I won't get the sleep that I need cos I'm leaving on Saturday morning.

It's gonna be a really long trip to Malacca. Will only be back on the 18th I think. And 19th there's church choir song performance for Christmas celebration. Zzz. Which means I won't really be prepared because by then I would have missed church choir practice for 3 weeks already I think.

And on 25 December probably there'll be Street-E! Haha and on 26-29 November will be Primers' Challenge, followed by church camp...

Sigh I hope I won't be too tired after SG duty. After this Sunday's JLPT I will definitely be very mentally tired. And I suppose SG will make me physically tired as well. Zzz...

Haha but I suppose that's part of life? And I must learn to look at all these with a positive attitude yeah!

Afraid

2010-11-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

I'm really thankful for this morning's sharing with my spiritual mentor. That haha finally someone from my cell group knows how I've been feeling all these while.

But after the time of sharing... I just feel so afraid. And so uncertain. And right at this moment I'm just feeling so insecure. The kind of feeling that tells me "oh Alex you've been hurt so many times don't get yourself hurt again" just comes back. But I know the decision I have to make is not to run away, but to face the challenges that lie ahead of me.

I'm trying to face each moment of my life with a smile. With a joyful heart. Though it all seems so difficult. And when I'm feeling so uncertain...

I thank God I've a spiritual mentor who is willing to help me voice out my opinions to my cell leader. I don't want the world to revolve around me. But at the same time, I want to be part of this "world". I don't want to feel out of place, that I'm just someone who is just... there. I want to feel that I'm part of the cell group...

And I've been trying very very hard. Especially this year. But somehow I just still don't understand the content of the conversations going on when people start to go into groups. It's like... people just have their own clicks. And I have none. I'll just be moving from group to group. And feeling that I don't belong to any of them.

I told my mentor that perhaps I should just... resign? Because the song that I'm playing for church choir is quite challenging to me... so perhaps someone should just take over. Since I'm not up to it. Haiz...

I'm really afraid. Every time during lunch, I'm really afraid that I've to end up eating my lunch alone. I'm really emotionally tired and worn out. Often times, I just feel like... I don't want to take the initiative anymore...

And even if I'm really emo in church, I don't show it... And on the way back home on the bus, I just feel really really horrible at times... it's like all my emotions that have been bottled up just suddenly... explodes.

Oh please God give me the courage to face the challenges that lie ahead of me...

Oasis Camp

2010-11-21T23:22:00.002+08:00

So tomorrow's the beginning of another camp! It's called Oasis Camp, from 22-24 November, and we, the Year 4s 2010, are planning the camp for the MCYC kids! It's a really meaningful experience, because I know that the efforts that I put into planning will be transformed into a blessing unto others :)

My prayer is that everyone will just look forward to the camp and participate with a prayerful heart, and that God's will will be done throughout the camp, because He has the power to touch hearts and transform lives!

Yea... and 25 Nov, this coming Thursday, is SGB opening, or now being called SG - Share-a-Gift. I needa begin to feel excited about it, and learn to see it from the perspective that I'm bringing joy unto others! So yea. These are areas in which I can be a good testimony for God!

So yea! I believe that God guides!

Direction

2010-11-17T23:41:00.002+08:00

Company camp has been a fulfilling time of 3 days and 2 nights... a good time of fellowship, a good time of fun. But I realise that my biggest takeaway is that I need to persevere in my relationship with God.

Of course, there are other learning points as well, that I know I need to stand up more and assume more leadership roles when around my juniors, that I should learn to take initiative in these aspects. And today's Y1 and Y4 outing is a good session for me, not just because it's a good time of bonding, but more so because of the fact that I need to feel responsible for my juniors. In other words, or rather, word, it's known as accountability.

Right now I just feel like there are a lot of questions within me. I know that what I need to do now is to just seek the Lord in all that I do. Previously, I know that I didn't really do much in that aspect, so right now I'm putting in more effort in that. But these questions are really bugging me. So I'm really praying that God will answer these questions deep within me, and that He will lead the way.

Last Friday, my small group leader said that it'll be really a joyous occasion if I can be baptised on Mothers' Day next year. And this question is really setting me thinking. I know very well which path I want to take, that is, I'm prepared to just live for Him alone. But baptism will mean that I'm a member of my church. Which means that if I make this decision to be baptised in the church that I am in now, I will have to live with this decision.

I have this strong impression that God has greater plans for me. And it seems that He's telling me that He wants me to move on, and this can mean that... I probably won't stay in this church. I'm still not sure. I'm praying about it, but currently I do not have an answer. And while I need to come to a decision in 5 months' time, I will still serve Him wholeheartedly.

I have been thinking and reflecting a lot throughout the camp. There are times in the camp when I just choose to eat my meals silently, spend my time alone and not engage in much social activity, actually because I'm thinking about all these stuff. And upon much reflection, it's just like I see things I've never thought of before.

I see that everyone in my church needs to come before God again, renew our covenant with Him and repent. When was the last time when we all knelt before Him and said that we, as a church, are truly sorry for our sins and are willing to carry out His great commission for the rest of our lives as believers and Christians? Every Sunday, we just come to church and listen to sermons. But where is our yearn for God? I feel that my church really needs fires of revival... for I believe that there are people who come to church on Sundays not because they want to seek Him, but they just come for the sake of coming.

Another thing I see is, to be honest, the arrogance of people, which is one ugly side of human nature. There are people to serve not because they really want to offer up the best for God, but because they just want to show others how good they are at something. I mean, of course, every person knows their attitude towards their acts of service the best, but in some cases, from the way these people talk to others and behave while they are carrying out these acts of service, it is rather obvious to me that they are not doing it wholeheartedly for God. Of course, in prayer, we all come before Him and say that we do it all for Him, but do we really mean what we pray? Remember that God does not like broken promises. He has never broken a single promise unto us! I know that it is human nature to sin, and that from time to time the sense of arrogance will just flood us, but when we pray that He forgives us for this sense of arrogance, are we willing to repent after that? There is no point praying to God, saying that "Dear Lord, forgive me for my arrogance and lack of humility," and after ending the prayer, we immediately falls back to our sinful ways again without working towards achieving a heart of humility.

If anyone feels offended by my post, my apologies. But then again, I feel that there is a need to get all these out of my chest. God does not really care of much whether the musical notes that the pianists play are accurate, grand and really really nice sounding, but whether the heart of those people serving are really that of humility before Him, and just doing it all for Him.

I know that is something I need to work towards.

From a personal point of view, being the youngest person in my cell group, I still do feel age gap. And one thing I dislike is that, for instance, after I play a hymn or a song for the church choir or congregation, there are other people immediately coming towards me telling me there is a better way to play or that the way I play is not that good. I mean, I'm open to suggestions. But why is it that when other pianists play, no one offers these suggestions? It's obvious that these people's impressions of me are different. In my perspective, they view me differently. Like I'm a noob compared to the rest. And that's what I do not like. As a church, and as siblings in Christ, we offer our suggestions openly, and be honest with one another, and treat each other fairly and equally.

The fact that I'm youngest, doesn't mean that when I do something, I deserve to be reprimanded when someone else does the same thing and everyone else just laughs it away. For instance, another pianist played a note a few times when the brothers sang not very in tune, and the conductress said that "yea brothers not very in tune". I tried to do the same when it was my turn to play, because brothers were really not very in tune. And what did I get? "YOU JUST NEED TO PLAY THE NOT ONCE. DON'T NEED TO POUND THE KEY SO MANY TIMES." See the difference now? That's what I feel. Prejudiced.

I begin to feel more out of place now. And these situations are what I've been reflecting about throughout my camp. And these are my impressions.

Another thing I have been reflecting about is that... how come there is still this sense of emptiness within me. That I. am. lonely. Sometimes I feel really alone. Like there is no one who truly understands me, and who is willing to be there for me when I need someone to be there. On a personal note, I find my current spiritual buddy more of a spiritual mentor. Like someone to be there to teach me Biblical knowledge and understandings on Sundays. And in this aspect of a spiritual buddy, I'm still feeling really really lonely.

And after pondering much throughout the camp, I find that all I am going to do is just to trust God. I made a promise to God. That no matter how uncertain or insecure I may feel, all I'm going to do is just to let Him guide. And that I'm just going to live for Him alone. God and I. He shall be my spiritual buddy. For He is always there for me.

He shares my laughters. He sees my tears. He knows how I'm feeling. And that's enough.

Thank You Lord.

Busy Holidays

2010-11-12T23:12:00.003+08:00

Finally holidays... But it's not gonna be an easy one. Lots of stuff...

First is company camp. Supposed to be fun. Hope it will be! Starts tomorrow, and ends on 15 November. Then I've MCYC Camp from 20-22 November, followed by BB SG Opening Ceremony on 25 November...

Originally I signed up for my 5-day Primers shift from 28 November to 2 December, but then somehow or rather I got shifted to 6-10 December. And I'm going overseas on 11th. What a nice timing... and don't understand why HQ only sent us the confirmed list 2 weeks before opening ceremony. Liddat how people book their holiday?

I was one of the first few to register. And my grandma changed her birthday celebration to suit my SG dates leh. Now she called up all my relatives, and in the end the date was changed for nothing. But upon reflecting... I realised that this is all God's will. And who am I to stand before Him and ask that He follows my will? God has given me many things to rejoice for... and I believe that if it is His will that I get this shift, He will give me abundant things to rejoice for.

Rejoice in Him! For He has given me life, and most importantly, eternal fellowship with Him!

Release of Results

2010-10-24T21:02:00.002+08:00

Results were released on Thursday. I actually thought I'd do badly. But turns out it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Haha. In fact, from Year 3 to Year 4, out of the 4 major exams, I did the best this time! Yay! :)

Language Arts - 79%

Chinese - 85%

IHS - 73%

Advanced Math - 85%

Core Math - 90%

Chemistry - 84%

Biology - 71%

Physics - 68%

Average: 79.4%

It's really amazing how God provides... especially when all I need to do is to do my best and just commit the rest to God. God promises that He will guide me and see me through this hurdle, and indeed, God has really been guiding me! Praise the Lord!

Today I had a really nice time with my cell mates. Bible study... then service... then prayer group... then choir practice... then lunner (lunch + dinner? lol) was really a nice time of fellowship! Tomorrow in school will be a long series of lectures and briefings and everything... Zzz boring but compulsory stuff la. :(

Bad Day

2010-10-19T22:48:00.001+08:00

Screwed up my Physics paper as well... MCQ only 27/40...

Chem MCQ wasn't too bad... 35/40. Still quite satisfied...

But liddat how to take Physics HL... Zzz... results coming out on Thursday... :(

Post Exam

2010-10-18T22:36:00.002+08:00

Ooo... today I realised I screwed up my Bio paper pretty badly...

MCQ I got 13 questions wrong already. Which leaves me 27/40. And that's quite bad. Considering it's only MCQ. So hopefully I didn't do too badly for Paper 2, then maybe can pull me up a little little bit... :(

I'm really praying for the peace of mind and heart as the paper reviews are conducted tomorrow and Wednesday. Release of results on Thursday... how come not on Friday? Then let me relax one more day mah. After release of results all the consequences and nightmares come in... :(

I'm just praying that God will guide... Next year I hope to be able to take Math, Physics and Chem at Higher Level, or HL, so these 3 subjects I really really needa do well. Most probably not taking Bio next year. So I just hope that I can get a 70. Good enough already, considering I screwed up MCQ liao...

Give Thanks

2010-10-17T22:52:00.001+08:00

Right now my heart is really filled with thanksgiving... it's the type of thanksgiving that I just know that He is really the God who provides, the everlasting God! For He hears my prayers, and He answers my prayers!

Although my church camp clashes with Primers' Challenge, but God still provides for me... in such a way that I can go for both... how magnificent is our God! And how amazing are His wonders! It seemed almost impossible to go for church camp if I decided to go for Primers' Challenge...

Primers' Challenge falls on 26-29 December, and church camp falls on 29 December to 1 January, and both are overseas. To be honest, I thought Primers' Challenge would start late December and end early January... and when I checked my email today I was like... There's hope... there's hope... and when I knew that I've a cell mate going for church camp on 30 December I was like... my heart was just filled with thanksgiving that I can never describe...!

It's really amazing how God provides. And indeed, now I can say for sure, that God is good, all the time! God works in His ways... ways that I will never be able to comprehend... and all I actually need to do is just to let go and let God. Because He hears our prayers. Because all of us are never too insignificant for God to hear our prayers. And because God loves each and everyone of us, He will never let go of us!

Praise the Lord!

Some Reflections

2010-09-27T22:27:00.002+08:00

I think that given time to quieten myself down and set myself right again, I would be able to respond better emotionally to all the situations around me...

I realise that in church, no matter how busy I am, I should learn to see every act of serving in church as an opportunity to serve Him as an offering... and not to complain so much. I may be frustrated... but I think all I need to do is just to focus on my exam preparations to the best of my abilities. If I can't concentrate, then... I'll leave my books for the time being, or just study as much as I can lor. What to do. Haha.

Honestly, I'm starting to think whether I made the right decision in joining BB Primers, because... the fact that I'm trying to get President's Award means that almost half of my year end holidays would be gone. 9 days of SGB (which is really crazy), and one training date, and 2 BB camps. Really really really driving me crazy. And not forgetting Primer's Challenge. I hope I can do my Primer's Challenge next year instead so this year I won't be so busy... and mainly because I already signed up for church camp. And Primer Challenge clashes with church camp so... yeah.

And I'm starting to think... what's my purpose in joining Primers? If I think that running for Presidents is not what I really want and eventually I feel like pulling out... I think I will. I joined Primers mainly because I want to have a chance to serve my juniors, do something for them... it's just this responsibility that I feel is within me...

Did I make a wrong choice in deciding to run for President's? I really don't know. Right now I'm just really confused. I have a lot of catching up to do. It's just this emptiness that I feel is within me again...

It's just this feeling that I want to get my exams over and done with. But then again I need to do well... anyway, once my exams are over, hopefully I'll have time to quieten and get my emotions and mentality right again...

And Orchestra is another thing. Perhaps next year I won't play SYF... November there'll be a mini-concert, which means there'll be rehearsals, and in this midst of all this I have BB MCYC camp, BB stuff to settle and handle... I want my holidays please. I don't need all these external pressures. Why should I be so hard on myself? For the past few months I've already been really emotionally hard on myself... I did have a lot of misbeliefs, but within these misbeliefs there are elements of truths that I can't run away from.

And when there's time to quieten down after exams, it's the time when all these unhappy experience surface themselves in my memory. I needa distract myself. Find something to do. So I won't keep on getting distracted and spoil my mood.

Oh well. Back to Bio. Still have 9 chapters to go. And that's just my first round of studying. And of course, during first round, sure cannot remember most of the stuff one. Haiz.

Emptiness

2010-09-25T21:28:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, that feeling came back again... when I was in the school library, and after doing Math for a while, my friend found this book, and I just opened the book and started reading a random page... but the content of what I read just evoked a lot of emotions. And the emo feeling just came back all of a sudden. I know that at this point in time, I shouldn't be feeling this way. But I just suddenly feel as if... I lose my sense of security.

And now I'm really really at a loss. I may not be in the best physical state, but I'm in a rather bad mental state. Because I really don't have the concentration to really sit down and study. Every time I study I fight to stay awake. When did I become so lazy when it comes to studying? What has happened to me?

As I was sick last weekend, right now I'm really behind in my preparations for my exam. And tomorrow I'm church pianist. And I'm not too familiar with the Bible verses that I need to recite tomorrow. It just feels like... everything is just being thrown to me... all these responsibilities... when what I really need now is time. Time to set my emotions right again. Time to get my mental state right. And time to catch up on what I am lagging behind.

And now I'm stuck with my POD essay on "The Good Life". It is supposed to be a topic when I should have a lot to write about. But now my mind is blank. I can't craft out my points, much less find examples to substantiate these points. And I know I need to get it done today. Because if I don't, I would have to leave it till tomorrow, and I will definitely have not enough time to study. I plan to finish covering the entire Biology syllabus by tomorrow, and I still have so many chapters to studying. I just feel so lazy whenever I take out my Biology textbook, fighting to stay awake...

And now I'm feeling so empty. It just feels like... I'm missing something. And this emptiness sometimes leads to frustration... like I just wanna find something to vent out my frustration because I'm not getting anything done! I'm not making the most out of my time! And I can't focus on my studies and complete everything that I need to complete!!!

And earlier in the day I just received an email about sharing devotionals to the small group in church... and I have this feeling of... why must tell me only now... it just feels like... I've so much to do and yet I still cannot focus on what I need to get done...

And I still need to get my emotions right again. I know how to put everything behind, but what I do not know how to do is to face my emotions when they're evoked again. It makes me feel like I'm not smiling from the bottom of my heart. And deep inside I know I just want to find a quiet place, a place where I can do whatever I want do, and that I do not need to conform...

Exams

2010-09-23T17:15:00.002+08:00

Finally I am typing a post... haven't typed one for almost 2 weeks haha...

Just recovered from a rather major illness... last Thursday I got fever, then I didn't go to school on Thursday and Friday, and didn't go to church on Friday and Sunday. And every time I am so happy that my fever has gone down, it comes back up again. And even on Sunday midnight, I still had fever.

After school on Monday, dad brought me to see Chinese doctor, and now I'm so much better. My fever went down on that day itself, and my sore throat as well. Now just a bit of cough left to tackle... so I'm pretty thankful that I have recovered so much!!!

From this illness, I finally cherish my health a lot, and I know that I needa drink lots of water, especially when the weather is really really bad. It's like... you can hear thunder when the skies are blue. Which is really freaky.

And I'm really behind for my final year exam preparations. Medicine making me super sleepy. And although I make it a point to have lots of sleep, I'm still very sleepy. Haiz. Yesterday fell asleep a few times while studying. Which isn't good, especially when I still have a lot to study.

So I still have a lot to chiong... Haiz...

Fruitful Holidays

2010-09-10T23:15:00.002+08:00

Today I started reading the Book of Psalms for my QT... and first six Psalms already spoke to me a lot... That I know that whenever I am sad or depressed, and when I run to Him, He will welcome me with everlasting arms and I will be able to rejoice in Him!

I finally finished my Chemistry... my last bit of my holiday homework! But that is just one part of what I have to do haha... actually I have yet to start on the other part of my "holiday homework", which is preparing for my Final Year exam. I told myself I needa get started on mugging. And yes I will get started tomorrow!

Holidays are almost over. And I'm so happy that the Book of Psalms help me set my heart right with God again, to let Him take control of everything that I am unwilling to let go. It is always not easy to let go and let God, but it's a gradual process... that bit by bit we all learn to let go of what we have and let God. See, when I let God take control of my emotions, I become a much more open person! Haha although there are still people who make fun of me, but I won't take it too seriously. Haha. Why bother ruining my own mood? Lol!

Today I woke up with a bad nose again. Monday my nose was bad. And today it's bad. Though not as bad as Monday, but still bad. Monday my nose was running away from me. And I had to chase after my nose with tissue paper. I used up half the box on Monday. Today was runny nose on the right side of my nose, and the left side of my nose was blocked. That's why I played very very badly during piano lesson today. Really couldn't get a good grasp of the rhythm of the pieces I was playing and so I couldn't "feel" the piece. Really off-form today. What to do. Guess I was really affected by my nose.

Today didn't go cell group partially because of my nose. My nose just make me feel... tired. And to think that I still had to drag myself to complete my assignments. And today my dad came back late because he brought my siblings to go out with my cousins to Hort Park. And because of piano lesson I couldn't go. Well, perhaps a little exercise would have made my nose feel less blocked and less "hyper" by running away from me. I that scary meh. Now my nose scared of me also. Haha. So they all came back late. Usually my dad would send me to church, but today he only came home at I think 7+. And I haven't had dinner yet. Was still trying to chiong finish my last Chemistry assignment.

Feeling really remorseful for not going... Like deep inside I don't feel good about it. Guess it's the Holy Spirit speaking to me...

Tomorrow morning I going to rehearse MEP Practical with my friend. His MEP Practical. I quit MEP 3.5 years ago haha. So I'm his accompaniment. And honestly I didn't practise much. And I hope to do a good job. His prelims this week so pray for us yea...

Hope tomorrow I won't wake up with a "hyper" nose or a blocked nose. Haha.

Birthday

2010-09-03T23:13:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I turned 16. Haha forgot to write a post yesterday so might as well do it right now. Haha happy belated birthday to me lmao...

It feels... old to be 16. Like I can't laugh at people and tell them hahaha I'm younger than you cos you're 16 and I'm 15. I can't do that anymore. I'll have to wait till next year. Lol.

Haiz yesterday I felt really happy cos my class actually sang happy birthday to me. It just makes your heart feel warm again... And having people wish you happy birthday is just... it just shows that you're loved by so many ppl haha...

I'm officially "4-squared" years old. Not that young anymore. Nonono. But young at heart of course. Haha. Today my cell group just celebrated my birthday for me :) The chocolate cake was really nice... and the presents :D Thx to all the people in my cell group! :)

My prayer is that... as I turn 16, I'll be more mature, and I'll be able to be a blessing to more people... and to strive to please God in whatever I do! :D

Moving On

2010-08-29T22:15:00.003+08:00

A few days ago, I started reading the book of Job for my QT. And I want to say that I really found a lot of encouragement from this book. Plus this morning, after a "class" with my mentor, I have become more confident about the fact that all those pessimistic and negative stuff I have been telling myself are actually false.

All these while, I have only been considering things from only my own point of view, being protective about myself, most of the time even being over-protective. I have never considered about how others would feel and think regarding the way I behave. To summarise what I've said, all these while I feel that I've been really really selfish.

I think it's time to break out of the shell. I know I can do it. It's only a matter of choice. It's because of the result of misbelief that caused me to type all the previous blog posts that could have hurt people. And I didn't realise that because I've only been considering how I was feeling at that point in time.

Right now feeling really horrible. Zzz. Down with sore throat. How nice. After my throat ulcer is gone, now I've sore throat. And I think I didn't sleep properly last night, that's why now my neck hurts whenever I try to turn my head to the left. And I'm having a really horrible headache as well. I think my headache is because of the strain in the left side of my neck.

Hopefully after a night's rest I would feel much better tomorrow. Haha. For a moment I thought I had a fever because my mum repeatedly placed her palm on my forehead. Usually if I don't have a fever she'll only feel my forehead once. But today was different. At least I don't feel like I've gotten a fever. Maybe it's just my headache that is making me feel so horrible.

Haiz I think I really have to sleep early tonight. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep by 11pm. I suddenly remembered that I have not slept so early for so long. Lemme break my record today. Lol.

I think from now on, I'll stop dwelling on all those unhappy experiences. I'll try to type happier posts :) Of course, I must reflect how I'm feeling deep inside, but right now, I feel really determined to walk out of this shadow. I shouldn't be mistreating myself by making myself feel miserable. And I'm sure God doesn't want to see me this way as well.

That's all for today. Oh and not to forget that two days ago I actually slipped in my grandma's room because there was powder all over her floor. And I knocked and scraped my shin against her bed. Nothing big, but just... blue-black. Zzz now I cannot eat fried food in school because of my throat. Oh no. Fried food, oh fried food, I'll miss you. But I'll be back for you :D

Eeeeww sounded so mushy. Lmao.

Shut Up Alex

2010-08-24T17:39:00.002+08:00

I think I still don't shut up enough. I'm still talking to walls. Sometimes I try to spice things up for myself by cracking a joke and in the end I get reprimanded by the people around me. So much for trying to be happy.

Everytime something like this happens, I can't help but tell myself, "Alex just shut up. How come you don't learn your lesson? Just keep quiet la! Only talk when you need to, not when you want to." And so I'll begin keeping my thoughts to myself, even though I might craft out funny remarks, I still keep them to myself and just silently laugh it off. And when I finally open my mouth to talk, the cycle starts all over again.

Haiz. Why is this happening to me... Just because I have no temper? Just because when I'm bullied I don't retaliate? Just because I'm gullible and nice to bully?

Perhaps it's time I start showing some temper. To stand up for myself and show other's that I'm not as easy to bully as they all think.

Church wasn't that bad two days ago. I felt a little more warmth and love in that community. Hopefully I'll begin to find that sense of belonging again.

Meeting the Hurdles

2010-08-21T22:50:00.002+08:00

I'm really thankful that God had made this hike a success! Though not all the checkpoints were covered, but I believe that everybody had many lessons to take home and that everyone had fun!

Personally I really cherished the time that I had with my Sec 1s. Though most of the time we were just joking around and verbally irritating each other, but it felt really light-hearted, and these light-hearted feelings seemed to replace the emptiness within me.

But hike is over. And the emptiness is back.

Tomorrow there's Bible verse memorisation. And I'm still memorising. And I'm leading prayer session tomorrow. Suddenly feels so stressed out again. I just came back from hike and got stuff to handle liao. Wah. Shiong leh.

But what's the most stressful is that... I'll be meeting the hurdles again. Who knows, I might be entering a church and feeling so alone again. The cell group which originally gave me a sense of belonging... suddenly I no longer feel the sense of belonging. The cell group has sufficient pianists. And honestly speaking... when I saw the choir score for the SATB parts for the Christmas song, I couldn't bear to look at it. I'm not SATB. I'm just the audience.

And all the while I have been wanting to sing tenor in the choir. I know that I can hit bass notes as well, but I feel that... God gave me the potential to hit these high notes as well. And I'm not given a chance to realise this. Everytime got SATB conductor will always assign me bass. Except for one song, which I asked to be in tenor. Other than that all bass. Bass then bass lor. Since don't need me liao then sing soft soft also can lah.

Tomorrow feels like a challenge. To me every single day feels like a challenge.

Appearance versus Reality

2010-08-18T22:18:00.003+08:00

This title sounds like a theme that consistently appears in the proses for Lang Arts. Lol.

I'm still very confused. I feel that the way I am letting each moment pass has no purpose in it. Okay apart from the spiritual purpose of my life... I find that it's just very meaningless. I still find it hard to trust people like I did before. Perhaps it was because I was too trusting... that I was taken for granted... and it happened twice.

Right now, I really don't know who is being true to me. Like who is a true friend. And who is not. I know there are many many people around me who only come to me when they need something from me. Other times it's like we're strangers. So putting it in a blunt and not-so-nice way, they're just making use of me... and when they ask favours from me of course it won't be nice to say no right...

Sometimes I get really really scared. Because someone who appears to be extremely trustworthy can suddenly turn his back on me. My second "spiritual buddy" was a teacher, a BB officer, and I trusted him because based on my mindset, teachers are trustworthy people. And some more BB officer. And so I mustered the courage to trust him.

And it turned out that... this trust was betrayed. This experience still haunts me from time to time. I tell myself I must let go. But everytime I walk past him before morning assembly and after morning assembly... and it feels like we're having a cold war... the emo feeling just comes back again.

Yes I've become a really sensitive person. Sensitive to remarks and criticism. And at times I do hate myself for who I am. Because I'm a failure in life.

It's not just in school. Even people in my cell group... I'm starting to think that some of them are not who they appear to be. I thought as siblings in Christ... all the more we should help each other. In the past, when my cell-mate always ask me to replace him as pianist because he cannot make it, I would say yes. And this Friday, I can't make it for cell because of BB Hike and I'm pianist, so I sms him to replace me. And up till now I have yet to receive a reply.

All I have to say is that I'm really disappointed. I'm tired of taking the initiative all the time. I'm tired of being a nice guy and in the end all I get is being labelled a "monster", receiving nothing when I ask for help.

I put in my effort and try to play well when I'm pianist in church. But most of the time what do I get? People who think they're more advanced in music coming to me and criticizing me about the way I play.

Do you know how it feels to be so nervous everytime I'm assigned to play because I'm afraid I won't play well? And when I think that I didn't screw up, what I get is criticisms. After all these setbacks time and again, I already feel so afraid to stand up in front of all my juniors this weekend during hike and giving instructions. I'm afraid I would just be a joke... giving instructions and no one follows. Talking to myself.

Previously I had thoughts of joining another church. And I thought perhaps this year if I put in more effort and attend all their gatherings, I would blend in better. But it doesn't turn out so. Perhaps this is what you get if you join a cell group whereby on average everyone is 10 years older. They are working, they have money to spend, they have time to go shopping... so everytime they start talking about all these stuff and clothes and fashion and shopping... I feel so left out.

There's no one to whom I can openly share about my feelings and experiences in school. Because of age gap. Many times, these thoughts just whirl around in my mind... and I have to put on a smile because I don't wish to break down in front of so many people. At most I'll just emo.

There's a saying that goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. I don't think I've more than 10 friends.

Sense of Belonging

2010-08-17T10:50:00.000+08:00

I thought that my cell group would be a place where I would feel a sense of belonging and that at least there's one group of people around to accept me... but I'm gradually feeling that this sense of belonging is dropping, so much so that I actually feel left out in church.

How does it feel like when you try to be part of a conversation, but you don't understand what the conversation is about?

Personally... I thought that last Sunday was a really bad day for me. During lunch I tried to attach myself to be part of a conversation, but what happened was that I tried to understand the conversation, and then I ended up leaving the group and finding another group. Wait. What group. I wasn't even part of it!

It's like... I suddenly feel so distant from all my cell members. Like I don't know what they're talking about. Sometimes it's about shopping... fashion... phones... all of which are irrelevant to me because I'm still a student. Think I got so much time to pursue all these things ah.

Maybe that's the consequences of deciding to join a cell group with everyone at least 6 years older than me. When they talk about uni stuff, sometimes I don't understand also. It's like... I can't find anyone to relate to my secondary school life. Like they all appear uninterested when I approach this topic.

During lunch last Sunday, I felt so horrible that I couldn't take it. I just felt outcasted. It's like... I'm being placed in a group of people who are different from me and I'm just a total stranger. I felt so horrible that I decided I should just go upstairs and stop trying to blend in.

I've been trying really really hard these few months. And I'm feeling that all my efforts are futile.

Maybe I'm just an antisocial person who can't get along with anyone. Maybe I should just stop all social activities and just be content with my little world.

Why do I feel so... left out with a group which I thought I would be able to find my sense of belonging... Haiz...

Left Alone

2010-08-15T23:33:00.002+08:00

Today is another day when I felt really alone again...

It's just like... I've become a person who doesn't like to talk. Because I know that most of the time, when I choose to take the initiative and talk, I'll end up telling myself, "Alex, why didn't you just shut up? See what you've done? You've just talked to a wall."

Not like this happened today. But I just felt like... I didn't belong anywhere. And in church I just really felt like crying. Because I was just sitting down there, looking as if I don't mind being alone. During lunch I just felt like... I didn't belong anywhere.

I really don't know if the problem lies with me... or is it that I can't blend into a group of people at least 6 years older than me. It seems to me... that I can't blend in everywhere. Perhaps being the outcast can be really cool. Like you're just alone. Giving the blank look. Staring into space. Acting as if you don't mind being alone. Perhaps I'll look even cooler with sunglasses on.

I'm still struggling really hard with the decision about joining BB Primers. I hope that God will give me a definite answer soon.

Decision Making

2010-08-13T23:50:00.002+08:00

I'm still stuck... dunno whether I should continue with BB Primers or not. Two nights ago, I had this dream... I believe that it is a dream sent by God... that I am in tears, saying goodbye to all my cohort mates in BB. I don't know how to interpret this dream - whether it means that I'm really gonna say goodbye, or is it that if I leave BB, I will be extremely unhappy about leaving.

Haiz. I'm still praying about it and for God to give me a clearer answer. I really can't decide, and I'm gonna leave this decision fully to God to decide for me and to lead me and guide me.

Today's Bible Study was really meaningful... about Moses answering God's calling in Exodus 4.

And I'm really thankful that today, I shared my experiences these months with someone whom I have known for 6 years. I sorta trust him, and I'm really thankful that he was a really great listening ear. Like he didn't probe me with questions and tell me to do this and do that. Sometimes all I need is a listening ear.

I'm trying to face everything around me positively. But I dunno why I just don't want to enter the BB Admin room unless I really really have to. Perhaps that is because I don't want to become a target for insults again. Haiz.

Outcasted

2010-08-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

How does it feel like to be part of a group when you find yourself having the outcast feeling, but you have to stick to the group because you just have to?

Yesterday... I think I made the wrong decision of going for BB Admin lunch treat. I think the problem with me is that I don't learn my lessons. Last Friday I already felt so lonely during lunch after UG awards. So why did I choose to go?

I thought maybe I'd give myself a chance. That maybe I should stay on for BB Primers after all. And maybe things won't turn out that bad. But I was wrong. When I reached Vivo, it just felt like... I didn't belong to any group. I was just alone, occasionally exchanging 2-line conversations, and spending the remaining time looking around, observing the things around me, until I couldn't stand it. So I sat down and took out my earphones to pass time.

To pass time. Get it? That was how desperate I was because every moment felt like a torture. But I tried not to show my unhappiness. I tried putting on a smile.

I have been trying very hard to blend in with the cohort. I have been attending most of the gatherings so that I can get to know my cohort mates better. But seems like I'm wrong. I don't think any of them really know me well. Including someone I have known for 6 years. Like all the while, he doesn't know what I've been through these months.

Sometimes I wonder. Am I just trying to put up a brave front when deep inside I know that I feel so afraid. So insecure.

At least I'm thankful that God has answered my prayer about a spiritual buddy. I'm willing to give it a go. And I sincerely hope that it won't turn out like the last two experiences.

Oh no I've to make a decision about BB Primers soon. And although I don't hate orchestra, I don't really like orchestra either. And I've thought of joining school choir. But thinking that... Oh I can't sing. Like how many people have said that I sing well? Only a few. Not more than five, from what I remember.

Sometimes I really feel like giving up. I'm really struggling with this decision, because it will affect me for the next two years. And I want to be in a CCA which is fulfilling. I know that the aims of BB Primers would be extremely meaningful and encouraging in my walk with God, but I don't want to have to force myself to be part of a group that I don't feel a sense of belonging.

Oh what should I do...

Thanksgiving

2010-08-09T23:39:00.002+08:00

I'm really thankful to God for His faithfulness to me... that He has carried me through this busy week in His everlasting arms! :)

Last week was really crazy. Last Tuesday and Wednesday, rehearsal ended at 10.30pm. And Thursday I had Biology coursework and IA due. So Wednesday night I actually stayed up until 2am to finish everything that I needed to do. And I'm really thankful that God has granted me strength and wisdom to organise my time well when I was desperate for time.

And Friday was UG awards. Haha. But during lunch... I don't know why. I felt left out with my BB friends. I didn't really feel outcasted but I felt that I just... couldn't blend in and no one came to me and talked to me. And now I'm having second thoughts about joining BB primers. I'm thinking... if I'm going to carry on in this environment for the next 2 years, it would be a horrible experience for me!

But if I don't join BB primers, I might have to continue Orchestra. And I really don't know about this decision. I think just let God guide lor. But Primer's application form is due soon. And I need to make up my decision fast fast. Pray that God will open up a path for me lor.

And today I managed to bring the entire hike recee to a close! Really happy and thankful that everyone was cooperative and that things went on smoothly and efficiently. Though we started off 45 minutes late, we only ended 30 minutes late. Which means that we took 15 mins less than what I had expected. Haha.

Though there are bits and pieces of unhappiness here and there... my heart is still filled with thanksgiving. Because I know that no matter what happens, He is a faithful God who guides me through every moment of my life.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. I'm still waiting for my prayer to be answered. But I'm not anxious. I'll just let God guide me. And let go, and let God. :)

Am I Still Important

2010-08-03T23:43:00.002+08:00

I suddenly feel as if... I can't go up the cosine curve. I might be still going down on an inverse tangent graph... falling to negative infinity.

Just came back from a really tiring day of Orchestra. Thankful that today wasn't too bad. But I find that it's during times when it's all quiet around me that I begin to remember those unhappy stuff.

And it seems to me that I'm not needed in church anymore. Or even in church choir. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, but that's how I feel.

No offence to anyone reading my blog... and I hope that the comment that I'm going to make won't cause major changes or anything.

On Sunday, when church choir conductor announced the people singing SATB for the Christmas song... and I'm the only one with a music background who hasn't been chosen. Of course, I don't wish that just because of this comment, changes have to be made to the namelist. I'm just stating how I feel. I've tried to console myself many times that I could be the pianist for that song, but then I thought again... if there really was a pianist for the song, then... conductor would have announced also.

Haiz. I feel like I'm just a person on standby. When the church needs me, then they fill me in as Sunday service pianist. But when all the pianists are back, it's like... they don't need me and just kick me to one side. And the church choir can do without me. I feel that I'm a failure pianist during choir practice. Conductor has so many comments to make about me compared to the other pianists... since I'm a useless pianist, and I'm not good at vocals... what's the point of having a music background? In Orchestra I'm merely an average player, if not worse than average. Haiz...

To thing I used to be the person signalling to the people on my left or right that they're singing too flat or too sharp in church choir. Now I'm just getting my desserts.

I feel really useless at times. Like I'm just there. Now the church doesn't need me anymore. And I'm beginning to feel that some people in the cell group talk to me as if I'm a child. Like they'll speak to me super politely as if they're afraid to offend me. As if there's such a big age gap.

I just feel that my life is now... super messed up. I really don't know what to do with it. It's like... in the daytime I try to put on a smile and hide my sorrows... and when no one is around at home... I'll just break down.

It just feels like... no one understands me...

New Hope

2010-08-01T23:33:00.003+08:00

Today I cut my hair. I made it short again. Because I see my hair as a symbol for all my troubles. Once my hair is gone, so are my troubles. And I'm no longer physical weighed down by my hair, just like how I have been emotionally weighed down by my unhappy experiences and thoughts.

A brand new hairstyle. A brand new start for this new month. And I just ask God for the wisdom to handle all the challenges ahead of me.

This week is FOA week. And I still have so much to complete for Biology Coursework. And I have Orchestra rehearsals everyday. Thankfully tomorrow's rehearsal ends at 4.30pm so I still have quite a bit of time to finish up what I need to finish.

I'm so touched that one of my cell members actually passed me a book to encourage me. I won't have time to start reading this week though. But after this Friday... I'm gonna start reading. I hope that this book can save me out of this whirlpool.

I'm drowning in this whirlpool. But I'm trying my best to stay afloat. Situations in the classroom will not be easy to handle when pertaining to the emotional aspect. If I've to be a quiet person, then I guess I shall be a quiet person ba. Rather than talking to myself and cracking jokes to myself and eventually end up as an emo person.

I hope I can find the encouragement that I need.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. And I'm hoping that God will answer my prayer soon. I trust that God has His plans for me.

Song Sharing

2010-07-30T23:32:00.001+08:00

This was the song I shared just now for song sharing. Hope that this song can inspire all of us to continue to have a burning passion for Him! :)

Long Day

2010-07-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

Today was school's annual cross-country. Of course the event didn't proceed smoothly because it rained. And so we were dismissed really early. Haha rain was so heavy that I was drenched. And the grass at West Coast Park soaked my shoe so much that I took them off. Since I was already drenched, couldn't be bothered to use umbrella. Might as well run under the rain and enjoy myself.

And my ear was wet. And so was my phone. So when people called me I couldn't really hear them. So a lot of miscommunication. Hike recee was pushed later until 2pm and I only managed to cover half the checkpoints. I plan to do the remaining checkpoints this coming Saturday afternoon after my church outing.

Hike recee ended at 6pm. So chiong home for dinner and bathe... and thinking my dad would send me. How I know just because he wanted to watch TV then don't want send me. Ask me to wait till the show ends. Think I got so much time ah. I'm already late for cell leh. So I went myself. And I ran after the bus. And I caught up with the bus! :D Thank God for that!

Was really worried for my song sharing just now. I was the last one to share so I could see how others shared their songs and then imitated a bit of how they did it. I thought I couldn't hit the high notes but... thank God I did :)

But I don't think I brought across the message very well. Like I stammered a lot and then... it's like my words lacked the impact and the power. So I believe those who listened to my sharing found it quite boring. Haiz. Speech was an aspect that shaped me as an outgoing person last time. But right now, speech has become something that really drags me down.

I'm no longer a vocal person. And I'm beginning to feel that I'm not very good at getting along with people. Words, to me, is something I've become really sensitive to. Last time, when someone made a certain comment about me, I could laugh at it and take it easy. But now, when the same comment is made, it might spoil my mood and I might just enter an emo mood for some time.

I'm not very talented in piano. And I'm not good at singing either. And at this point in time, I'm not a very vocally expressive person. I'm rather ineffective in communicating my thoughts. That's why sometimes I choose to keep quiet. Especially when no one bothers to listen to me.

But I believe He has His plans for me.

All Those Moments

2010-07-29T18:50:00.003+08:00

Today was a little bit better. Still didn't talk much today. Though there were moments of laughter and everything because I found entertainment while using my laptop. Haha. Won't wanna elaborate on what I was doing in class. Lol. At least I did my work when I was supposed to.

All the unhappy memories suddenly came back. And again I'm doubting my talent in music. I'm beginning to think that music might not be my area of talent after all. And I'm beginning to think that I'm talented in nothing. Oh wait. Talented in failing. Now I remember.

And I'm having second thoughts about my song sharing tomorrow. I'm even thinking that maybe I should just play the sound track and not sing along. Scarley I sing out of tune and then my self-confidence drops again. Haiz.

Sometimes I think... in what way does God still find me useful. Everywhere I go, I'm not needed. I'm not needed in class as well. And at BB. I still haven't gotten a reply for that email.

I just suddenly feel like disappearing. Like buying an air ticket and going where I want to go. I want to be away from all these.

I Will Lift My Eyes

2010-07-28T21:37:00.002+08:00

This is another song that has really encouraged me during my times of downfall...

I am still feeling insecure, feeling lonely, left out, ignored and unwanted. But I am thankful that God never ignores me. God still wants me. And God will always be my refuge... who knows me inside out... who accepts me for who I am...

I am still praying for a spiritual buddy. Though right now I have decided I would not take the initiative to pop the question but rather let someone else do it. I don't want to always take the initiative. Perhaps it is what I have been through that makes me lose my confidence in being outgoing.

And I am transparent. I just felt my transparency today. After school, I was sitting at my desk doing my homework. I sit at the back corner of the class close to the wall. And there were a group of classmates throwing a basketball at the wall, many times I almost got hit by the ball. And I was sitting at my desk. They didn't notice that the ball might hit me. They couldn't be bothered about me.

What if the ball hit me? A 'sorry' would be too late because the hurt is done. The damage is done. A 'sorry' from my previous spiritual buddies might be too late because the hurt is done. Though I have patched things up with my first "spiritual buddy" and forgiven him, that does not take away the hurt that he has done. When a nail is hammered into a piece of wood and then later the nail is being pulled out of the wood, the nail may be gone, but it leaves a scar behind. And I am that piece of wood, continuously getting scarred by these nails...

I think I'm gonna cancel my invitations to the people whom I've sent out my blog invitation too but haven't accepted. I've been waiting for so long. If I'm not worth your time why should I continue waiting. And hoping. Only to know that these hopes are disappointments in disguise.

Sigh... There is really no point in putting on a smile when I'm actually crying deep inside...

I believe God, the almighty Healer, will heal me of my hurt...

The Background

2010-07-27T16:11:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I feel so lost again...

Today during recess, when I sat with my classmates at the canteen, I didn't talk. I silently ate my food, and then returned my bowl and ran back to class.

I just feel so... unnoticed. Like I'm already doing my best to pick myself up. But how come no one in my class even sensed that something was wrong? There are a lot of things that I want to say in the face of people in my class, but I just keep quiet. If everyone in my class is liddat... then so be it.

I gave my first "spiritual buddy" my blog address because... we sorta patched things up. But what I need is not virtual concern. Like he can be very concerned about me on MSN? But I need encouragement. I want someone whom I can just sit down with. Someone who is willing to give me their attention and give me a chance to pour out all my inner feelings.

And what I need is affirmation and encouragement. Not someone to tell me "Is this what you should be doing?" and then tell me what I should do. I know that whenever I'm putting on an emo look, I'm not being a good testimony for God. But right now, I really don't want people to be telling me that I should be a good testimony for Him and rejoice always. Think so easy ah. Easily said, but not easy to be done. Maybe to these people it's very easy... but everyone has different personalities. I really cannot take another blow. Another major setback.

I'm afraid there might be a day... when I do not need to talk to anyone in school.

All I ask for is a listening ear. I don't think I have been too demanding of my past two "spiritual buddies". If you're someone's spiritual buddy, it means that this is a commitment and that you should spend time with that person. Not avoid him. Not to push him down when he has just barely picked himself up.

And my second "spiritual buddy" just had to push me down. Everytime I see him, it's like... all the memories just appear again... all the empty promises... not that he didn't apologize, but I felt betrayed. And the feeling of being betrayed by someone who knows you inside out is... really horrible. It feels like you're standing naked in the middle of Orchard Road.

I still haven't found a spiritual buddy. I don't wanna take the initiative and pop the question anymore. I don't know whether it's because I've become afraid to completely trust people, or is it whether I'm just the background.

No one takes notice of me. No one knows I'm around. Perhaps it's time I try absenting myself from school one day and see if anyone calls me. Nah just kidding.

Sigh tomorrow there's A Math assignment 4. And there's orchestra. And Friday is hike recee. And I haven't prepared anything for it. And tomorrow is due date for my IHS research paper.

And wow. I'm really a failure. During my POD presentation last Wednesday, I saw the teacher of the other half of the class nodding off during my presentation. What an encouragement. I must be a really boring person. And all the comments that I got from my teacher were rather negative. Like you should have done this you should have done that... as if it's so easy when you're the first one to be presenting...

Recently we were asked to take up planning positions in the BB Company Camp at the end of the year. Most of my BB cohort mates got their positions. I volunteered to be in Worship Band. But I haven't got a reply. Looks like I'm not needed anymore. I'm not needed in church, and neither am I in BB.

Oh I really feel like taking a break. If it were an option, I would definitely choose to fly to another place... away from all these... I'm not running away. I just need to give myself a break because I can't handle all these emotional stress...

Failure

2010-07-26T21:21:00.003+08:00

Today... my day was spoiled...

I screwed up my Advanced Math assignment 3 very very very very badly. It's a grade assignment and part of its marks go into my coursework marks. Anyway my teacher gave me the question paper that was not compatible with my GDC, and I spent quite a bit of time looking through and trying to figure out what's going on. And my GDC uber fail. Super lag... make me waste so much time and in the end I got the function wrong. Haiz. I left the entire last page blank.

After that I went to see my teacher and my teacher said if I'm okay with it I can always look for him to do a retest. But then... I discussed with my friends already. Some more even if I was given the correct paper, my GDC would have failed anyway... so still I wouldn't be able to answer the questions in the last page. Haiz. Why liddat one. So I just told my teacher forget it. I won't do the retest. If I do badly for this one, so be it. I mean, I'd rather emo for one day that I didn't do well, rather than I retest and ace the assignment, but deep inside I know that I haven't been honest to myself and to God.

After PC talk today. I saw my second "spiritual buddy". He pretended not to see me. And just walked past me. Like total strangers. My mood was just beginning to get slightly better from A Math until I saw him... and then dunno why a lot of stuff was triggered. Sometimes I see myself as a reflection, especially in the Chinese drama I'm watching now... and I begin to think... how come no one treasures me... no one cherishes me... it's like... I'm just part of the background. No one really takes notice of me.

I have this feeling that I can't do things well... I'm easily affected my the things happening around me. I've become really sensitive to all these. To all the people reading this, no offence but... it feels like... I'm not needed as a church pianist anymore. Ever since all the pianists are back. I'm not needed. Everyone tells me that the struggles that I'm facing is part and parcel of growing up... but that doesn't mean that I should always be the outcast!!!

I'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything. I don't feel jealous at all. A few weeks back, in church choir, I asked the question of whether I'll be sacked if I don't play well, simply because I feel extremely inferior. There was a piece, when the pianist was not confirmed and it was asked who was supposed to play this piece. I did practise that piece. And I wanted to play. But I didn't make any sound. I didn't raise my hand. Because I know that compared to all the other pianists, I'm not up to it. When people keep on saying... feel the music, play with emotion and colour... somehow I just find it very hard to grasp these things.

I wish I could have my very own music studio. Like there's no one except me in the room. And it's soundproof so no one else hears me. And I can sing... play the piano... without having to feel inferior.

Sometimes people ask me, "Hey Alex how come you're so good at piano". Then I'll be thinking, really meh. So what if I've perfect pitch. I don't find it helpful in piano and singing...

Why do I fail at so many things... even things such as spiritual buddies... haiz... I wish there's someone to comfort me when I'm shedding tears. Why am I always silently shedding my tears...

I'm a person who appears to be strong on the outside. Trying to put on a smile so that no one knows what I'm thinking. But deep inside I'm really weak and fragile...

Overwhelmed

2010-07-25T22:39:00.000+08:00

Wow I feel so overwhelmed by everything around me. I mean, I'm not feeling that emo already... but it's just that I have so many things to do...

I've BB Hike Planning to do. Gotta do a recee (hopefully) this Friday and get it over and done with. Hope that I can finish everything on that day then don't have to do another time. And then BB Hike stuff are all to be finalized by 10 August. And that's 4 days after my Orchestra Festival of Arts. What good timing. Everything packed together. Think I superman ah.

Orchestra FOA is next Friday 6 August! And I don't feel prepared. Like I suddenly feel so tired that I don't mind not playing Dvorak. Because I'm just too tired to handle 3 pieces. Sometimes I feel so tired and lazy that I don't want to take out my cello and practise. The other 2 pieces I can get by without practising haha. And guess what. Rehearsal next Tuesday and Wednesday end at 10.30pm. Reach home can only QT then sleep liao. Don't need do homework already.

Somemore all my coursework due next week! My FOA week! Like Bio coursework is due next week. And Physics coursework also. Omg... so many things to do... I can really go crazy leh...

Right now I'm still figuring out whether it is possible to find a location in Singapore on Google Maps just by keying in the MGR. That would save a lot a lot of trouble for my hike planning. And I just remembered I have to edit my Chinese coursework. If I'm not wrong presentation starts this week. Die liao...

I wish I didn't run for the post of Hike chairman. Like I didn't know that I would be so busy with stuff. Didn't think much at that point in time... and now I'm in for big time. Having muscle aches in my legs and right arm. Think it's due to the table tennis game on Friday. And I'm feeling so sleepy...

I wish I could just sleep and never wake up. These 3 weeks I'll be so busy that I don't have time to relax and get my emotions and mindset right. I mean, right now, my mental state has been much better. It's like... I know what I should do to start going up the cosine curve. Like I know I just need to relax and lay down all my burdens. But most of the time I still have a rather pessimistic mindset towards things. Like I'll tell myself "I can't do it". And I feel insecure very easily and I'm really sensitive to the verbal remarks from the people around me.

I told myself that I don't care how others look at me. But seems like I can't bring myself to do it. Deep inside I know I still care. I want to present myself well before others. I can't screw up my FOA. I can't screw up my planning for Sec 1 Hike or the entire thing may fail. I can't screw up my coursework. It's like... there are so many demands and expectations I have to meet, and I know that if I try to meet all these demands... I might just... break apart...

Pressure pressure pressure... stress stress stress... I still have to face a lot of academic pressure in school especially coursework for Advanced Math and Core Math which are held during lesson time. Like there's a time limit given. And Physics practical also. Time limit. Graded.

All these things drain me out mentally. And I realise I really need to vent it all out. To do the sport that I like... only weekends then can. I'm really tired. Mentally tired. I can go to sleep anytime.

I think I need to begin bringing my laptop to school on most days. Like coursework all done on laptop. So in school I can make the most out of my time and at least get a bit of work done. So that I have less to do at home lor. What to do. Help me... O God...

Thank You

2010-07-23T23:28:00.000+08:00

Thank you to both my church small group members who gave me an enjoyable night! :)

It was... quite long ago since I played table tennis for 4 hours at 1 short... Haha... today was really a test of my stamina! Especially when playing against my brother... all the loops and the spin... wah need a lot of energy and stamina! Haha. At least it's good exercise. Keeps me fit. I suppose today I did lose a very little bit of weight hahaha... considering in school I ran 1.2km and then played badminton during PE. Really a sports day today for me huh.

Orchestra was... not too bad today. Haha. Hope tomorrow will be fine as well. Tomorrow morning will be a super busy morning. First is Orchestra, then when I'm not needed for the piece I'll go over for BB, and then when I'm needed again I have to go back. Wow. Stress leh. Haha. But no stress also no good ma.

Today was another really meaningful day. And about saying in my previous post that I won't sing in class... I'm just gonna call it off la. Haha. Shouldn't let such a minute thing affect my lifestyle. I am myself! Why do I have to purposely change my personality and make myself feel miserable?

Haha hope that tomorrow will be just as meaningful! :)

Putting Everything Behind

2010-07-22T22:20:00.000+08:00

I decided it's time for me to put a lot of things behind.

After 4 weeks of school, I decided that I want a new start. I have been going downhill all the while, like the first half of the cosine curve, but I think I'm beginning to start on the second half of the cosine curve - that is, going up.

I trust God that this new journey of going up will be a new and exciting experience for me. But of course I'm not the same me la. Like after what happened today, I decided I won't sing in class anymore. Unless there are like only a few people around whom I know wouldn't mind. My desk partner seemed quite irritated when I sang today... like I'm making a lot of noise liddat. Haiz. The rest of the class also very noisy what. I can't believe my singing is classified as noise as well. Oh well. I'll confine my singing to the bathroom then. Hahaha.

I know that starting this cosine curve would not be easy. Like the saying goes, time will heal all wounds, and God as well. Right now I have learnt to put my not-so-pleasant experience with my first spiritual buddy behind. Like we're still friends and everything. I think it's because we've come to a common understanding. Perhaps the space that we each had during the first 2 weeks of school was for us to reflect a bit ba... at least I did reflect haha. Thinking of it... maybe I was too demanding last time? I'm not a perfect person, and I'm still working hard.

What still upsets me right now (causing most of my emoness sometimes) is actually... the triggered experiences with my second "spiritual buddy". I find it super hard to put it back down. Everytime I think that someone might be a possible spiritual buddy... I think of this experience... of how he was so caring and nice to me in the beginning and then suddenly a stab in the back after my mid-year exams. Last time I thought there was no one who cared for me so much. Though I felt uncomfortable at times when he almost went beyond the healthy boundaries but... at that point in time I was feeling really down. I had my doubts about him, but I thought I'd just leave everything to God and assume he's just being super caring.

Then suddenly he tells me all those stuff about me being an unapproachable person and being scared to offend me... scared of me... At that point in time I was already shouldering a lot of insulting remarks from the people around me. I felt really unfair. And I felt that... this spiritual buddy thingy just... went stagnant from that point on. I began to erect a wall around myself. Not wanting to get hurt. And ever since then, I became a super emo person...

Recently I got a bit of liveliness back. I'm actually quite happy that during BB CE sharing today, people said I don't look emo. That's a good sign actually. But I still fail at stuff. Like today during BB CE sharing, when everyone had to do a small sharing about their lives so far, I just went BLANK. Like I didn't know what to say. All these unhappy memories were triggered but I knew I couldn't say it out because that person is a BB officer. I was afraid because I wouldn't wanna know how they would react to my comments. So I just brought it all over by saying "a lot of unhappy things happened these few months." After that I totally screwed up my sharing. I felt that my sharing delayed a lot of time. I was just saying random sentences. Most were irrelevant. Sigh I fail at sharing sessions also. Typical me. Expert at failing.

I still do see my second "spiritual buddy" around. Like he's always standing in obvious places during morning assembly and when he walks into the BB room when I am around. When I hear my cohort mates calling him "such a nice guy" it just feels really weird. Like I'll just respond to these remarks by smiling. And in occasional times when he suddenly talks to me on MSN I feel like omg omg omg why can't he just leave me alone and let me continue with my life...

Sometimes I feel really bad for this incident as well because he shared with me before that he met a lot of situations when he offered his friendship when others were feeling down. And when these people found a new group of friends, they stopped communicating with him. I'm wondering whether I'm liddat also. Like now I'm closer to my cell people then... haiz... that time when I go out for lunch and then study with my cell members... he asked me why everytime he ask me out for lunch or dinner I say cannot then now I go out with my cell members... where's my space!!!

There are times when I face this experience with a feeling of regret, and other times a lousy feeling. Like why did I choose to trust him so much when we crossed paths for not long. I thought that maybe it was because he's a teacher? BB officer? I really don't know what made me trust him in the first place. I confided in him pertaining to a lot of my problems and now I just feel so... naked. Like I've nothing much kept to myself already.

Haiz today's post so long... very paiseh leh... those who bothered to read till the end... thanks so much :)

Hillsong - Through It All

2010-07-22T00:06:00.001+08:00

Here's a song that really encouraged me in my times of struggles... I hope that this song can be a blessing to others as well! :)

A song that really encouraged me during my struggles... :)

Thank You Lord

2010-07-21T23:49:00.003+08:00

My heart is so full of thanksgiving right now...

There's this song that goes... This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! Yes, today is the day that He has made, I will rejoice! And I did. I've learnt that in whatever situations, I just have to lift my eyes to Him...

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says that, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Yes, this is very true!

Today was a very very busy day, because there was POD presentation, which didn't go very well but didn't go too badly either. Haha. Then there was A math coursework. Which I don't think I screwed up. And there was orchestra. The nightmare piece - Dvorak! But I managed to play 75% of the parts. Like certain major parts I can't play yet. And my official section leader is back! When talking about the difficult parts I couldn't play, he told all of us that actually those parts can fake. If all of us actually play then concert master complain too loud. Even he was almost faking. Haha. Seems like I should fake as well so that the dynamics would be just right. Lol.

Tomorrow another long day. Physics practical assessment. Then got orchestra and BS meeting. And I need to lose weight. But cannot find time to run leh. I seriously need to lose weight. I don't want my coronary arteries to be blocked at such a young age. Wait a minute. Not that young liao. In less than 2 months time I'll be 16. 16 not that young already.

Haha forgot to mention that yesterday, when I went for Service Learning... my first time actually cleaning toilet. I think I did try at home but always get chased out by mum. Of course she does the job better... haha but thought it wasn't a "clean" experience, I didn't understand how much tiredness my mum has to go through when she does all the housework. Lol my classmate said that the way I mop the floor really looks like custodian. Haha feel quite happy about it. Shows that I'm rather professional in that area huh.

Really, sometimes in difficult situations... the way to get out of these situations is to give thanks. Like I felt really at peace when I thanked Him for letting me truly experience a meaningful day which He has made and all His creation!

Thank you Lord! :)

Busy Week Ahead

2010-07-20T21:14:00.002+08:00

Wow this is definitely another crazy week ahead... Haha something really weird happened in class today. Each of us were supposed to have 2 tutorial worksheets for Advanced Math. It's like... we're supposed to complete both tutorials in exam conditions. Then I only received one tutorial because the guy sitting in front of me only passed me one. He knew that I didn't get the second tutorial and he just kept quiet. Didn't ask teacher or tell me. And I dunno why I didn't hear the teacher asking "Who doesn't have tutorial 2".

So at the end when I found out there was a tutorial 2 I was quite angry. Cos I thought he was really selfish... But coming to think of it now... it was really funny because I was slacking throughout the first tutorial and thinking, "Wah other people do so slow hehehe"... Lol. I've learnt to put this behind and just laugh at what happened.

Regarding my social situation in class, I'm still learning how to cope with it. And indeed I must say that I really need wisdom from God to learn how to deal with these type of situations. They're not easy to handle, but in Him nothing is impossible!

I'm trying my best to be happy, but sometimes things that trigger these unhappy experiences may come my way. So pardon me if sometimes something suddenly happens and I all of a sudden switch to emo mode... but this emo mode usually doesn't last for long. Within 20 minutes I should be back to my normal mode again. Haha.

This week... tomorrow there's Advanced Math coursework to be done in class... Thursday there's written commentary to be done in class... and I've 2 Core Math assignments due this week... Haiz... busy leh! Friday night would definitely be a very good time to destress!

So that's all for today... gotta go complete all my assignments! Take one step at a time! :)

New Week, New Hope

2010-07-18T22:13:00.001+08:00

It's gonna be another 7 days in a new week. I hope tomorrow will be a good start for my new schooling week. I have survived 15 school days (including those school holidays in between), and I hope that I can survive the remaining 35 days...

It feels like these 3 weeks have been passing by rather slowly. I have been trying to change my perceptions about the people around me, especially my classmates, but there are a lot of setbacks as well. Like sometimes I still feel that I'm transparent. And when I speak no one bothers to really give me their attention. Okay maybe just idly listen to me for 1 minute then they'll talk to someone else like I don't exist. Haiz. If you don't want to talk to me then tell me la why you have to treat me this way!!!

I think there is no point deceiving myself. If I'm happy, I'll show it. But if I'm not, there's no point faking a smile and pretending to be happy. I'll be true to myself and true to God. I'm close to the point on giving up hope on the people in my class. I don't think anybody really genuinely regards me as a friend. Even those people whom I viewed as my closer friends in class... have never really showed concern over what has happened to me... Maybe 1 or 2 people have asked "Hey Alex how are you" like in a joking manner but nothing beyond that. Obviously I'm not fine!

There are many times when I'm alone and wishing that there's someone beside me whom I can just openly share about what I've been through. I can't keep everything to myself and pretend like nothing happened these few months through my behaviour in class.

Hope that this new week will be better for me. I know I need to place my focus on God and not let my feelings be affected by what happens around me. Perhaps in class I'll just be a quiet and more introvert person. But that doesn't mean I won't be happy okay! As the title of this post says, new week, new hope. Hope in God. Not in men. I've almost lost hope on the people in my class. Just people who mug mug mug mug mug the whole day. Only care about studies and not so much about friendship. Perhaps I should just treat my first "spiritual buddy" like an acquaintance. Like say hi if need be. Full stop.

For people reading my blog... please feel free to post your comments... I may not reply to your comments but yes I do read them! And your encouragements mean a lot to me k! Thanks to those who were willing to spend time to read my blog... like I know there are a few who are silently reading but don't post comments... thx to you all! :)

And I want to take this chance to thank all my cell members... thank you all for being so willing to listen to all my thoughts and feelings from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for all your encouragement... thanks for being the only group of people who let me truly experience what is friendship... and brother and sisterly love in Christ... the love that comes from God! :)

Over

2010-07-17T21:24:00.003+08:00

Wow this busy day is finally over... I really thank God for His provision and His guidance! :)

Today's ROD Live Praise was okay... except my scores kept on sliding off so I had to play the chords with my left hand while putting them back in place with my right hand. And Orchestra was okay... Conductor and concert master forgot about the audition so... managed to escape today. Hehe.

I think I know what song I'm gonna share for the song sharing next next Friday. It won't be any of the two songs that I've mentioned in one of the earlier posts. It's titled "Give Us Clean Hands". I want to share this song because I feel that there is a very important message that God wants me to bring across through this song, especially in our generation right now, where the world is getting so corrupted and stuff liddat. I'll share more on the day itself ba! Might even decide to do an analysis of the lyrics. Hehe.

I'm so surprised that despite being so tired... I still finished my Chemistry assignment! Yay! Though right now I really wish there's a one week break for me. To do what I like. Don't have to do work. That'll be really great :)

Today didn't have time to feel empty because I was so occupied with things going on. Like I'm rushing for time. Where got time to think of all these things? But once I'm alone, once I have nothing to do, this sense loneliness and emptiness begins to creep in... sometimes I feel that just by trying to make myself happy, I do overly-retarded stuff like... being super childish. Then after that I'll reflect and say "Shit why did I do that"!

What I need right now is not someone to point out all my mistakes and order me about how I should behave. I need someone to encourage me.

Crazy Tomorrow

2010-07-16T23:44:00.003+08:00

I'm really thankful for tonight's session... that I learnt how to be a cell member that is pleasing to God in all my ways, as well as my roles and responsibilities in a cell group.

Tonight's Praise and Worship was... quite smooth I guess, though I did make mistakes haha but I suppose they're not too obvious... considering I only practised once yesterday late at night after finish practising cello. Though there were slight hiccups but I could feel the presence of God, and that's what I'm really thankful for. I'm also thankful that my P&W leader was very patient and understand with me also... haha :)

Tomorrow is a crazy day ahead leh. Morning. BB ROD. I'm playing keyboard for Live Praise and for ROD special I'm keyboardist as well. After ROD I've to go for Orchestra. After Orchestra is my Dvorak auditions!!! Which was actually why I practised my cello yesterday. Lol.

I still find that... most of the people in my class are very insincere towards me. To put in bluntly, it means that most people don't treat me as a friend. More like someone to approach when they desperately need help. Or just someone to hang around with. But not as a friend. Nope. Sigh.

I know what I'll do now. I'll treat my first "spiritual buddy" like an acquaintance. Like we just say hi to each other and full stop.

I realise I've become a person with very low self-confidence and low self-esteem. Because I'm not heard. I see people who just shout out their comments in class and everyone can respond by laughing. But most of the time I'm just talking to walls. When I think of a humorous remark and I verbally make it known, I find that I'm talking to no one. No one bothers to hear me. Not even my desk partner hears me. I'm just talking to a wall. And after that I'll tell myself, "Alex, next time just shaddap because no one is listening to you. You'll feel better if you keep quiet instead." So I decided in class, I'll take up an introvert personality. I've become a more introvert person, but if the people around me are the people whom I'm comfortable with (like ppl from my cell group), I can be rather extrovert. I think, if I absent myself in school for one day, maybe no one will realise.

Sigh. Better go sleep soon. Long day ahead tomorrow.

Lost

2010-07-15T21:41:00.002+08:00

Wow this week... weekend is just as crazy. BB ROD on Saturday. Playing for Live Praise and ROD special... and tomorrow I'm playing for cell group Praise and Worship as well. Wow so many things to do!!!

Saturday got orchestra auditions for Dvorak... super difficult piece. I just finished practising haha... gotta prepare myself for the auditions. I know I won't play well but... oh well if I pass the auditions I will diligently practise because I don't wanna paiseh on the actual day haha...

I'm still adapting to my new perspective of things and the way things are going around me. This term very crazy leh. Coursework after coursework. Assignments after assignments. They never stop coming. Haiz...

I've become less emo these days. Trying my best to smile for God. But there are times when I feel emo as well. And I realised that there is no point feigning a smile when I'm actually emo. If I'm emo, I'll just show it ba. No point making myself feel bad deep inside. There are many times when I'm trying my best to put on a brave front my smiling when my heart's crying deep inside... at the people who never take our friendships seriously...

To me, it seems like... those who used to be around me a lot are not true to me at all. They treat me as a friend when they need me but when it's my turn to approach them... I seem like a nuisance to them. Why is life liddat! Sometimes I feel very... mistreated leh :(

Still praying for a spiritual buddy... sometimes I think why God hasn't fulfilled my desires. I'm sure He desires for me to have a spiritual buddy as well. But where is this person?! These few days I keep on seeing my second "spiritual buddy" around... we seem like enemies. It's like... I feel his glare all the time... staring at me as if full of hatred at me... and when I think of it this way, I feel so... lousy...

I want to have someone who understands me... whom I can freely share all my experiences... someone to laugh with me and cry with me... Sometimes I get this feeling like... perhaps God wants him to be my spiritual buddy... but all of a sudden I feel a sense of coldness coming from him...

I feel so lost at times...

Complicated

2010-07-13T19:14:00.001+08:00

Sigh I feel my life is still just as complicated. I'm just trying to look at things from a more positive point of view. I don't know when I've become like this. I know my Orchestra teacher has already been very generous to give me Saturday off (though I still went for BB. but that's my fault) and I tried to ask for tomorrow off as well. I gave the reason that I had to prepare for prelims but actually I just didn't want to see the conductor. Because I don't know how his response to me will me. And most likely I'm gonna be section leader again cos my desk partner has math remedial. So gotta prepare myself for a suanning session tomorrow lor. :(

These fews days I know I'm feeling better. While I may seem like I'm smiling, actually half the time I'm smiling because I don't wanna expose my inner feelings. Sometimes a very simple thing can upset me. Like while speaking to someone and that person suddenly daos me. That kind of thing ruins my feelings as well.

I don't know how tomorrow will turn out. I'm quite worried for Thursday's paper as well because I know I'm probably not gonna do well for Paper 1. So I just have to hope for the best. That I understand all the words and phrases and the passages for the cloze passage and comprehension.

I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. Today my Sec 2 friend asked me whether I wanna join my school's fellowship. I couldn't give an answer. I'm not ready yet. The changes around me and within me are so great. I'm still trying to adapt to everything. I'm really not ready to accept a new group of people because I don't know if they'll end up... you know what. I don't have to finish my sentence.

Sigh sometimes, seeing how my first "spiritual buddy" can get along so well and spend so much time with another classmate, I'm thinking why he didn't do the same when we were spiritual buddies. Sometimes when this thought comes into my mind it's like... my feelings suddenly go on a downhill ride. But I'll put on a smile to try to hide this emotion. Perhaps it's these smiles that help me feel better.

Still deciding which song to choose for my song sharing 2 weeks later during cell. Dunno if I should choose "Through It All" or "I Will Lift My Eyes". Both are songs that have encouraged me a lot during my downfall. I dunno which one to pick. Haha.

Starting to feel tired and occasionally beginning to fall asleep in class already. Feel myself being tired maybe because I'm trying so hard to adapt and change. I feel that I'm... more quiet and less outgoing. And I'm much more sensitive to insults and comments directed at me.

Sigh the path ahead seems so complicated. It's like there are many paths for me to choose. All of them are equally challenging. I feel that I can't go through this alone. Though I have God with me, but I really hope that I can have someone to always encourage me. To go through all these stages with me...

Feeling So Tired

2010-07-12T21:44:00.003+08:00

Sigh I dunno what happened... but it just feels like today has been a very tiring day for me... and there were not very pleasant things that happened, but I'm thankful that these are extremely trivial things...

First was my Chinese prelim. I don't think I wrote well because for my compo I wrote mainly on foreign talent blending into our society and I didn't write much on the importance and impact of foreign talent. Sigh. What's done is done. What to do.

Then I realised that my plastic containers which I brought to school were gone. They were supposed to be used for Biology practical but then only at the end of the day I remembered about it. And my desk partner told me when he came back to class he only found his. He didn't see mine. So I suppose someone who didn't bring his own container saw mine and took mine. Sigh. Thankfully at home still have containers. Haha.

Then I got headache. Now still having headache. It's those type that... prevents you from sleeping because you can't relax yourself while your head is throbbing so hard. Haha. Not the first time ma. Used to have headaches very often in P6. Now considered a lot better liao. Lol.

My dad changed a SIM card for me and didn't tell me. So I spent quite a bit of time after school taking out my SIM card and putting it back again. I didn't know that my previous SIM card was disabled liao. Sigh.

Today was supposed to practise piano accompaniment with my friend for his O level MEP. This morning then he tell me he got CIP. Hey I cancelled my piano lesson for this leh. Then he last minute cannot make it. I wasn't happy about it though he told me he forgot. Somemore my SIM card deactivated so cannot sms my piano teacher.

Today just feel very lazy leh. Didn't do much work today. Came home only finished 3 parts of an A math question and SL reflection. Quite disappointed in myself leh. Sigh.

Busy week ahead leh. This Friday pianist for praise and worship. And I can't find the score for one song!!! Panic... And Saturday got BB ROD worship. I'm keyboardist. And I've to write a piano part for ROD special. Sigh. So many things to do. And Bio prac!!!

Think this Wednesday I won't go for orchestra. I'll tell my teacher I need the time off to prepare for prelims on Thursday. Dunno why but still feel a bit pissed at the conductor. If I were given a choice I wouldn't wanna step inside the music centre ever again. Haiz... life's liddat lor.

Today felt like I was just trying to while away time. Like I'm watching a Chinese drama. Mediacorp one. Filmed 3 or 4 years ago I think. Or was it 5 years ago. Haha. Watched 4 episodes today. Good evidence of how much concentration I have today. Lol. At least had quite a good laugh.

At least today I handed over all my responsibilities to my Sec 3 replacing me after ROD. Haha. Don't think I did a good job in giving my instructions but... he said he understood. Haha.

Hope I can continue to smile for the rest of this week. I keep on reminding myself that I should rejoice in Him. If I emo the whole day and show all my unhappiness I won't make myself feel better anyway. Unless I feeling really lousy then I'll emo lor. Haha. That's just me. :)

My Life Is a Mess

2010-07-07T18:49:00.005+08:00

I have had enough of my life. I don't know why all of a sudden I don't find any purpose in this world now. After reading the book "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", I know I shouldn't be thinking this way and feeling this way, but now... I feel so useless. I really do nothing well.

Today, in Orchestra, I was humiliated in front of everyone. So much so that the next rehearsal (that is if I am going to be around to attend one), I will be crawling in with my cello because I have lost ALL my pride.

I was forced to be temporary section leader today. Because there was no one else around to be one. They all push the responsibility to me. Not like I want to do it. And today, I was humiliated, like I wanted to be a section leader so much, but I fail at it. Uber fail. Yay! That's 1 more thing added to my fail list! Woohoo!

All my pride was gone today. The conductor scolded me as if I had no feelings. He threw his temper at me. I tried my best to play well. But I had my limits. And I have no time to practise cello because I place my piano before my cello. I have piano exam this year. But today I still tried my best! Not like I totally couldn't play...

The viola section made mistakes as well, but the conductor just smiled at them and joked with them. But when I made mistakes... he had to throw his temper, throw his book, rip his book, scold anything he can think of... so much so that right now I even look down on myself. I'm useless. That's a fact. I can't think of so much right now.

Every time I pray to God that I walk out of every failure, I fall deeper instead. Why? Why? WHY?!!!

I really felt like throwing my cello on the floor and just storming out of the music centre. That place is hell. I don't like hell. I don't want to go back there. Do you know how I was feeling just now? I was holding back all my tears, fighting back tears... swallowing down my tears...

The conductor even compared me to a Sec 2. Said that he could lead the section better than me. And I'm Sec 4. See how fail I am? After learning cello for 3 years, I can't even lead a section. I'm a total failure.

Let's recap what I fail at today:

I fail at...

Leading people

Doing my job

Bringing people joy

Cello

So what if I have perfect pitch? My life is still screwed up! I made the wrong decision to continue cello in Sec 1 when I was given the choice. I made the wrong choice not to change piano teacher when my parents asked when I was Grade 5. And now I'm living with the consequences. That I suck at piano. I suck at everything. Right now, I can't think of anything I'm good at. Wait a minute. I think I know what I'm good at. I'm good at failing.

See, I'm so good at failing that I score full marks for it. That everyone laughed at me when the conductor made super sarcastic remarks at me. No one thought of how I would feel. Even no one bothers to read my blog and post comments at my blog now. I'm worse than a piece of shit.

I tried to hide all my emotions when I got home. I put on a really fake smile. When deep down inside my heart was bleeding. My mother even asked me why I was so happy. I couldn't take it anymore. I took my clothes and quickly entered the bathroom. So there was a place for me to let everything out...

I don't know why I'm doing something which I don't like. I realised that I no longer enjoy playing the cello.

I'm useless. Full stop.

Trying My Best

2010-07-06T18:57:00.002+08:00

I'm trying my best to be happy... because I know that I have to rejoice in Him. If I don't, then my life would not be any different from a non-Christian, then how am I going to be a good testimony for God?

Today, I searched for the post on Facebook again. The one about the flag lowering thingy... and I read all the comments. Felt quite upset after reading my OIC's comments about "speaking to them". I'm trying to take all these from a positive point of view, and I am trying my best to adapt to all the changes within me and around me.

I find that I'm getting very sensitive to criticism. It's like... last time, if someone criticizes me, I would just try to improve. But now, it feels like... every single criticism means that I fail at doing something well. Then I'm reminded of the parable of the talents, and keep on wondering whether I'm trying my best to be the one with the five talents, but instead of gaining back another five talents, I lose the original five that I have. It's this... feeling... and sometimes I can't help it...

Today in school was... not bad. Quite sleepy and tired, because last night I didn't sleep well. But overall, I seemed emo... but I wasn't emo okay! I was just tired and felt tired. So maybe that's why I seemed emo. But today I was quite happy. Like really happy. Maybe because my first "spiritual buddy" was absent from school? Haha the way I put it is like... I very sadist leh. But it's just that I don't see him, so I'm not reminded of any unhappy experience, and I tell myself there's no reason for me not to be happy.

Sigh then afternoon I went home and then thought there'll be piano lesson. But piano lesson cancelled. Then I saw the post on Facebook from my second "spiritual buddy". Actually, I didn't happen to see the post. I went to search for the post. I don't know why. Maybe just curious about the comments lor. But didn't know they'll affect me so badly. Seems like I've become quite sensitive leh.

Hmmm... I'm still praying for a spiritual buddy. I really don't know who this person will me. But everytime I get the feeling that Person X might me a possible "target", I'm reminded of my previous two incidents, then I start to erect a wall around myself. Maybe I'm just too afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to approach someone. I want someone to approach me. Someone who can melt my wall and enter my world.

I keep on saying that I don't care how others look at me. But now I'm starting to think that I'm just trying to convince myself that image is not important. But deep down inside I still know that I actually care. I'm just trying to make myself feel better all the time. Sigh.

Tomorrow dunno whether my first "spiritual buddy" will go to school or not. Don't know how my mood will be when I see him. I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time, I don't want to have a heart of steel...

Just read my cell mate's blog, and I'm really happy that she's found a spiritual buddy. I'm happy because there's one less person like me. I find that I'm a rather negative example because I'm like... so gloomy. Last time some people used to call me sunshine because I bring joy to others, but now it feels like this shine is gone liao. I feel that I no longer bring joy to others.

I'm trying my best to change myself. I know that if God places a spiritual buddy in my life, I would definitely feel better because I can really be open about everything I've been through. And I can cry in front of him, knowing that he will not laugh at me when he sees my tears...

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

2010-07-04T23:58:00.002+08:00

After today's sermon, I then realised that all those words that I typed in my blog post yesterday were so foolish...

I knew that all I had to do was to build my foundation on God! And to place my focus on Him and nothing else, because He is a faithful God, a God who never disappoints! And what one of my cell members did to encourage me was that I should let others see the Christlikeness in me, and one way to do so during this period of time is to show that I can find joy and rejoice in Him!

I am typing this post now, without any anxiety or nervousness, but experiencing a sense of peace within me. I know this peace does not come from within me, but it comes from Him.

I'm also thankful that I am finally able to have a good time of sharing with my mother, and now she also understands what I have been through all these while. I am so touched with what she said, because she said she is my mother, and if I've anything bottled up, I should always share it with her regardless of how it will worry her. And she told me, if there's anything that has been affecting me negatively, simply talk to God. He hears. He listens! :)

Right now, it just feels as if all my burdens are being lifted off me. Tomorrow I don't have to go to school. Youth Day holiday. Yay :) But when a new school week starts on Tuesday, I know that I just have to let Him take control. Regardless of how difficult the road ahead may seem to be, right now I know that what He wants me to do is to face it with a smile! :)

Upside Down Again

2010-07-03T22:18:00.003+08:00

Just when I'm able to pick myself up again, just when I see a glimmer of hope in my days ahead, I'm falling down again!

Seriously right now I really don't know what to do with my life. Just when I found the strength to stand up again and face life with a smile, I'm afraid, from this moment onwards, my face might never reflect a smile ever again...

Today, after BB parade, I forgot to lower the BB flag. And my second "spiritual buddy" posted it on Facebook. So now the whole world knows that the flag wasn't lowered. I believe he didn't know I was one of the flag raisers but... now the whole world knows I'm a joke I'm a failure!!!

Seriously now I don't know what to do with my life. I really feel like running away. Run away from home. Run away from everyone. To a place where no one can find me. Since I'm no longer important to anyone anyway...

Sigh it's gonna be another day when I cry myself to sleep.

Let Go and Let God

2010-07-02T23:42:00.002+08:00

Today was... a typical day lor. Haha. My Singlish coming back on my blog liao. Nothing wrong lor. Lol. I quite random huh :)

I finished reading the book "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", and I thought that there are a lot of situations that are applicable to me... it's like when I read it just clicks. I finally understand how important I am to God, that what I am today is not a coincidence, but rather, the process of God moulding me into someone whom He can incorporate into His will!

I will start strong, and I will end strong. The book says that out of 10 who start strong, only 1 will end strong. I hope I am the 1 person that ends strong, and I also hope that as time passes, there will be more who end strong.

Before free period ended, I actually finished reading the book. So I got nothing to do lor. Then I take out earphones and started listening to music... and took out the book again to re-read some parts again. I dunno why when I finished reading the book the first time, my emotions like downward graph liddat leh, drop a lot. And I felt very emo. Dunno why but... that's just me I guess...

And I suddenly felt like saying a prayer. I think no one in class realised that I was praying because... I was just so unimportant in everyone's eyes that I probably don't deserve any attention. But that doesn't matter to me, because I know that I am important to God, and that is what matters!

Though I still felt slightly emo after praying, I knew that all I had to do was to let go and let God. Once I let Him take control and guide me, I will experience a sense of inner peace and calmness, for I know that through my life, I can glorify Him!

I hope to be a good testimony for Him! :)

Facade

2010-07-01T21:40:00.002+08:00

Today was... not bad! I felt that I was myself, and that I no longer let myself be guided by my emotions, but rather, just relax.

However, I've begun to realise the facades of the people around me... Like how my first "spiritual buddy" can be so promising and nice to me on MSN yesterday when I told him my decision but all of a sudden in class today he treats me like I'm transparent. But I'm already not letting myself get affected by all these. In fact, I gave thanks, because God opened my eyes and let me see what type of person he is.

I gave thanks, because God helped me make the right decision of rejecting him as a spiritual buddy again. I gave thanks, because I knew that if I had blindly handled things according to my independent will instead of seeking Him, I would be much more miserable now.

All these facades from the people around me... Sometimes it gets me really confused. Who is genuine and who isn't. But anyway, I know that all I gotta do is not be like those hypocrites who put on a facade. I just have to be myself. Be sincere. Be true to others.

Well... I'm still hoping for a better tomorrow. I know that I'm beginning to bounce back from my failures. I feel myself laughing more often. I find that I'm no longer thinking about the unhappy stuff and emo-ing... I've learnt that when these unhappy memories are triggered, instead of emo-ing and feeling sad and letting my mood get ruined, I should look at it from a reflective point of view and give thanks to God for opening my eyes. Though I would still get a little quieter and maybe emo, but I'm learning how to cope with these emotions.

I believe that through these experiences, God has made me stronger, and I hope that with this new personality that God has moulded me into, I can do much more for Him.

Transparent

2010-06-30T19:25:00.002+08:00

Yay I'm so transparent!!!

Well, obviously that was pure sarcasm. I am a human, and I am a form of matter. I have mass and volume, and I am visible to the human eye. What happened today morning before assembly really spoiled by day.

My first "spiritual buddy", who has been treating me like someone transparent, conducted his prayer group without me. This morning, he didn't even ask me to join. I didn't even know that there was going to be a prayer group because for the past 2 days there wasn't. And I was really appalled. Somemore three days ago he still asked me whether he could have another go at being my spiritual buddy. I just have 2 words for him. Dream on.

Very very clearly, I am going to reject. And I think it is pointless to be emo for the rest of the day. So I finally cleared up my feelings a bit. I knew that I don't have to force myself to be emo because of that incident. I just have to be myself. And be ME. Which means, I don't have to always stay at my seat... When I feel like it, I will still socialise of course!

I think, apart from that horrible incident this morning, my day went very well. Most of the time, I was really happy. Laughing from the bottom of my heart. Because I knew that I just had to let go and let God guide me. Everything's in His hands, and who am I to demand that I control the way I live?

For the past two days, I have always had this feeling, that there is a very important question that I have to answer which pertains to how I clear up the mess that I am in. However, I feel like I'm trying to answer a blank question, and it's an open-ended question. It's just like in an exam, when I flip open my exam script and find that there is not a single question, but just blanks all over.

Well, what I have learnt is that if I try to control the way I want to me, all I see will just be questions, questions, and more questions. But if I let God guide, I will no longer see these questions, but see answers. Like how He let me see that I should reject the offer of my first "spiritual buddy".

Well, that's all for today I suppose. I know that He is guiding me. I just have to let go and let God.

Second Day

2010-06-29T18:14:00.004+08:00

Today felt a little bit better. Though I only talked to very few people, but I have already learnt that if I continue to possess this narrow perspective, I will only be ruining myself and clouding myself from what God wants to tell me. So I've learnt to take things naturally. Though I still prefer to stay at my sit and read during free periods or in between lessons.

At this point in time, I know that I should reject the request of my first "spiritual buddy". I know that if we continue to be spiritual buddies again, it will just bring a lot of unhappiness in the end. So I think if he pops the question again I will just say "no", because these two days, it felt like... we were having a cold war kinda thing. I didn't want to take the initiative to talk to him, but he could happily talk to anyone in the class except me. I thought we had cleared things up but yes this is what I am seeing.

But I have never forgotten my promise to God - to let go and let God, and to rejoice in Him! That's what I have been telling myself, and I will never forget it. I told a few of my cell members that I'll give it a try to let go of all these things, and yes I made this promise to God. At least I'll try for the first week, but hopefully I'll have the faith to continue to let go and let Him guide me.

Well, that's all for today. Though today wasn't that great a day, but this post didn't sound too emo right? Haha...

First Day of School

2010-06-28T15:52:00.003+08:00

I'm back from the first day of school! I expected insults to be hurled at me, or people taking me for a joke, but no... what had happened was worse, I suppose. It seemed like... everyone left me alone. I don't know why but I just felt super super super lonely.

It was at these lonely periods of time that I thought of God and my promise to Him - that I will let go of everything. And so I tried to cheer myself up, and I told myself that what's most important is that I have God, and that made me feel better.

And yes I find that I prefer to keep quiet and keep to myself most of the time. I don't mind being alone anymore. But sad to say, throughout today, I don't remember anyone saying a word of concern to me. No one asked me what was wrong. No one noticed the change in me. But it's okay. I'm sure God sees everything. And I'm sure that God will guide me through this valley...

These lyrics suddenly came into my mind...

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Yesterday, my first "spiritual buddy" asked me again whether we should start a prayer group again. And I thought it would be a very good chance to clarify things. And he finally asked me whether he would have another go at being my spiritual buddy again. So I told him to give me some time to think through...

But right now, right at this moment, I'm very clear of my answer, and I know that the loneliness and the lack of concern during my first day at school is a clear sign from God that this is not the person who should be my spiritual buddy. Most likely, I'm just gonna fail a third time again.

At least with God in me, this day has been made much more endurable and much less painful. Sigh... hoping for a better tomorrow...

Courage

2010-06-27T20:14:00.003+08:00

Sigh... I just changed my blog address, which is a consequence of my irresponsibility. I thought that by posting my blog address on Facebook, it would be a test of who would be concerned enough about me to find out that I have a blog, but I didn't know that I invited unwanted readers as well.

Well, my second "spiritual buddy" found out about my blog because I posted my blog address on Facebook. I took down the link within less than a day I think, but he was really fast. Seems like I still don't get this personal space that I have been asking for...

Tomorrow, I will have to face the reality which I don't want to face. God gave me four weeks to tidy up my feelings, but I chose to hide from all these problems... Now it's time for the reality and I wasn't really ready for it. But after praying with some of my cell members today afternoon, I feel much better now.

I think I just need courage. Courage from God to continue walking down this path. It's a mere 10 hours before I have to face everything. And I know that help is just a prayer away.

To me, everything seems so big and so messy... but in God nothing is impossible. And I believe that if I let go and let God, He will take care of everything for me! Although I know I can't run away from everything, but I know that God will certainly give me the courage to face reality!

The Past and the Present

2010-06-26T23:43:00.002+08:00

I'm still me. But I'm a different me. And the "me" that I am is different from the "me" that I was. Unfortunately.

I remember last time I couldn't stand being alone. Perhaps I was more outgoing and extroverted? But now I really wouldn't mind being alone. Of course I would prefer to have earphones and a book with me. But I really wouldn't mind being alone.

I used to like big groups and being the centre of attraction, but now, if I'm left in the corner, left alone, I wouldn't mind... because I'm used to it. Sometimes I actually prefer to be alone. I think this change is due to the things that are happening around me, the people who take me for granted, my two "spiritual buddies" who push me off the cliff... especially my second "spiritual buddy"... when I needed someone to pull me up, I was pushed off... by being labelled a monster... when I am tolerating the insults around me... all the suannings directed at me... and everything... Oh how sick and tired I am!

I am prepared for the upcoming term. I don't think it will be a very smooth term ahead. It seems so bumpy and full of ups and downs... In fact, more downs than ups. But all I ask right now, is that I continue to hold on to God, for it is He who is still willing to pull me up although everyone is pushing me off...

As time passes, I think I'm beginning to understand myself more. I find that I'm a person who appears strong on the outside, but actually, deep inside, I'm sooooooo weak... so fragile... so fragile that even a comment can break me down...

And like I said, I am a person who needs encouragement... On Thursday, during my piano lesson, I was practising my Hanon so hard... hoping that I would be able to pass all my three exercises... but I failed the most simple one and had to redo. I was so disappointed and the word "failure" immediately came into my mind. I'm so uber fail lor... anything also cannot do well... But after reading a section of the book titled "How to Ruin Your Life by 40", I'm glad that I'm a failure, for the people who are used by God are failures at a point in their life.

Back to the changes in me. In the past, when I'm alone with another person and there is silence, of course I would be trying very hard to talk and break the silence. But now, if there's silence, I don't think I will be trying very hard to break it. Silence is good. Gives me time to reflect, to think, to ponder, to emo...

I think it all comes down to the comfort level. Right now, I think when I am amongst most groups of people, I won't be very comfortable. I think the only group of people whom I am comfortable with right now are the people from my cell group. This upcoming term, I really wouldn't mind just sitting at my corner of the class, and just be trapped in my own world... At this moment, I think I would only let God into this own world of mine and... maybe a few more closer people. But not my friends. Well, I don't even know who my friends are...

I don't give my trust easily right now. Sometimes, when I'm having an sms-conversation with a person and thinking to myself, maybe he's someone I can trust... I would end up being reminded of how trustworthy my first and second prayer buddies appeared... and ended up hurting myself because I was so gullible... so stupid...

Yes I'm just retarded and emo. That's just me. If I'm not emo-ing, I'm most likely crapping up lame jokes and when no one appreciates them, I'll revert back to my other mode. That's the "me" right now.

I don't know how many people will put their arms around my shoulder and show their concern for me in the upcoming term. Perhaps no one. Perhaps what I receive are insults instead. Don't worry. My shell is there. I can always hide inside and emo... and emo... and emo...

Sigh... in 36 hours I would be waking up, preparing to go to school... The reason why I choose to keep this blog really really private is because... I know there'll be people mocking me and laughing at me when they read these posts...

But that's me. Sigh... Can't wait for year-end holidays, when I have 3 months of quietness, 3 months of break...

Just Some Thoughts

2010-06-24T12:47:00.003+08:00

Sigh... I'm hoping that I can see a comment posted on my blog...

School is going to reopen, and it means that I can't hide from the people who have been hurting me... unlike the holidays when I can stay at home and meet the people I want to meet.

School is going to reopen, and it means that I will have to learn to shield myself from the scornful remarks and insults from the people around me...

School is going to reopen, and it means that I will have to again learn how to deal with unhappy memories that are going to surface when they are triggered by certain events that are going to happen...

School is going to reopen, and I hope for another holiday soon. A REAL holiday. Where I can just relax. When there is peace and quietness around me so that I can hear His voice...

Sigh... I don't know why, but it just seems as if this upcoming term is not going to be an easy term ahead...

It's Getting Clearer to Me...

2010-06-20T21:45:00.002+08:00

Today, everything became clearer to me. All my previous doubts were mostly answered.

I know what to expect from my future spiritual buddy. The purpose of spiritual buddies is so that both can encourage each other to grow towards God and to become more Christlike. If a spiritual buddy is unable to do that, then he's not fulfilling his purpose of being a spiritual buddy I guess.

A spiritual buddy is a commitment. Which means, if person A is the spiritual buddy of person B, person A should be continuously encouraging person B to have a close relationship with God and never neglect person B (like what my first spiritual buddy did. Disappointing huh.).

I shared with my cell group on Friday about Mark 10: 45, when Jesus came to Earth not to be served, but to serve. And this reminded me of Jesus' sacrificial love. Especially towards Judah. When Jesus knew that He was going to be betrayed by Judah, He still loved him, just like how He loved the other eleven disciples.

I know I can still maintain friendly relationships with my previous two spiritual buddies, but to love them like how Jesus loved Judah, I know it's difficult to bring myself to do so.

I feel so cold right now. Hoping that I would receive a message on my phone that reads, "Cheer up Alex!" Or even a smiley. Encouragement. I know who has been encouraging me and sending me messages.

All I hope is that I will never walk through this phase of life alone. A friend in need is a friend indeed. I guess I'm a person who takes friendship rather seriously, that's why I'm so upset by my past two experiences. I guess as I move on, I will begin to share more... through description of behaviour, but I will not release their names. That's for me to know and for you to find out. Ha.

Life is just like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs... I suppose I'm going down the roller coaster at a rather fast rate, and trying very hard to not continue to fall further. I'm hoping for the day, the moment, when my roller coaster will start to rise, rise to its peak... and even though I might fall, there's someone falling with me. Haiz.

From the Bottom of my Heart

2010-06-17T16:22:00.002+08:00

Every few hours, I click the bookmark link to my blog, hoping that I would see someone posting a comment, hoping that there is someone who discovers my presence...

Like I said, I'm a person who really needs encouragement, and it is actually quite obvious that I do. Like in a table tennis match yesterday (relax we were just playing for fun one), without my team members around, I felt that I could throw away points very easily and I didn't feel the push to persevere and fight back. But with my members around, the determination came back. And that's me. If you don't wanna accept me for who I am, too bad. That's just me. Muahahaha.

I really hope that this spiritual buddy that God prepares for me will appear soon. Not that I'm unwilling to wait for God, but it's just from the bottom of my heart that I hope this person will appear soon. When I say hope, it means that I'm yearning for something that did not exist, in other words, if I am to accept any of my previous two "spiritual buddies" as my spiritual buddy again, I don't think I can bring myself to do that.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" I hope I am not the man who falls down but has no one to help me up, but sometimes, reflecting on the past, I think I am. My two "spiritual buddies" were supposed to help me up, and yes they did, sometimes, but after helping me up for a while, instead of me falling down, they push me down, they trip me, they step on me, and leave me without anyone to help me up!!!

I realise that the best way for me to stop imagining things is to keep myself as occupied as possible. When I have really really really nothing to do, turn on com, go to itTV and watch a few interesting matches (although I have watched them many times). However, I am still feeling very lost. I really don't know what to do sometimes. I know I cannot decide things for myself, but sometimes God wants me to wait. Wait for Him. Wait for His reply. And I am still waiting for this new person. He could be someone in my class, in my school, in my UYO, in my cell group... I really don't know. Only God knows.

Sigh. Shall end my post here today. Gotta prepare for tomorrow's P&W liao.

Waiting

2010-06-14T23:43:00.003+08:00

I am so confused now... What I'm feeling right now is many different feelings bottling up within me, so much so that I don't know exactly how I should be feeling... Maybe confused is the right word for me now. Lol.

Finally there are people who realise I'm not smiling. I mean, I still do smile, maybe just not as often. Last time, when my smiles were genuine, I could continue laughing for long periods of time, but now, most of the time, my smiles are just facades. Because I'm tired of everything. I just want to hide in my little shell, have my own peace and quiet.

I'm very sure of how to handle things right now. At least, for the moment... If I have another prayer buddy (hopefully), maybe I should not walk so close with him. Maybe I should not tear down my superficial level. Because when I did that for the past two times, all I got was eventual disappointment. Disappointment that sent me crashing into my shell. My second prayer buddy even destroyed my shell, so much so that I just felt a sense of emptiness and loneliness. All I did was to call out to God, "God, why is this happening to me?"

To me, right now, the closest group of friends I have are my cell mates. I don't really trust the people around me that much anymore. I realised that I have become very wary of everybody around me - whether they are trying to hurt me. A smile is just a facial expression. Deep down inside, I don't think anyone knows exactly how I'm feeling...

It's quite surprising to see how much closer I've grown towards my cell members... I shared with most of them my problems, and yes they gave me feedback. I feel more confident of how I should go about doing things now. But I'm still hoping that I will not feel lonely in school. I'm thinking to myself now, if I decided to sit alone in the SAC, wonder if there will be people approaching me, sitting beside me, caring for me... and I'm even wondering if anyone found my blog!

I know there are people who care for me, especially my cell members, but I am still hoping for this spiritual buddy which God has prepared for me. I just finished reading the book titled "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat". I think the most important lesson I've gained from this book is to learn how to wait upon the Lord. For my last two prayer buddies, I have never prayed before accepting them as my prayer buddy. Right now, I'm just going to wait for this person (if there is one).

I also realise that I have become more reflective. I keep on reflecting on things that have happened, and sometimes go beyond that. But sadly, most of my thoughts tend towards the negative side. I want to be an optimistic person, but I do know that if this goes on, I will just end up being more pessimistic day after day...

Oh well... what I can do now is just to leave the rest to God ba...

Emonity

2010-06-09T23:17:00.003+08:00

Yay! Feng Tianwei won Kim Kyung Ah 3-0! I'm so happy for her... :)

Anyway, I found out that I only exist in two states most of the time. I'm either emo or retarded. Retarded because of my lameness and all my jokes that no one will laugh at most of the time... Oh well.

It seems like no one has been reading my blog... but I know God is. He's reading my post when I type it, reading my post when I publish it... But sadly most of my posts are about emo stuff :(

I realise that I'm a person who really needs encouragement. If no one encourages me, I'll probably fall apart. But only people from my cell group know what happened to me and I believe are willing to walk me through... But I still need a spiritual buddy. Someone whom I can trust, and someone who will never ditch me just because I'm not perfect. Being someone's spiritual buddy is a commitment and a responsibility what...

I have been using the word emonity for a long time... because it sounds nice. At least to me. I don't care if it sounds unpleasant to anyone. I think right now, no one actually knows how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing right now... It just seems as if there's always this bitter side of life that will never leave me...

Today I read in a book that how you think shapes your personality. A good tree will never bear bad fruits, and a bad tree will never grow good fruits. I know that if I keep on focusing on all these unhappy memories, my life will never be able to brighten up and I will never really be laughing. Like laugh from the bottom of my heart. Or in other words, laugh till I cry. I think right now, if anyone asks me to really laugh, I'll cry while laughing. Not because of laughter, but because laughing is just a facade...

Sigh I'm trying my best to not let these thoughts shape me... That's why I'm trying to keep myself occupied. With work. With using com. With sports. But when I'm all alone... all these memories flood my mind...

I think I'm getting too emo. I'll stop for today. But I believe that God will walk me out of this. Sooner or later.

I can move on with the Power of Christ!

2010-06-08T15:27:00.001+08:00

Today I quarreled with my ex-prayer buddy. I had two ex-prayer buddies and I quarreled with my second. Sigh. What a failure I am in life. I fail in so many things. I think my ex-prayer buddy was trying to hint that I had unreasonable expectations about my prayer buddies. How could he have said that!!! All I needed was someone to be there for me, someone whom I can trust, someone who is willing to commit and give me the personal space when I need it. Is that very unreasonable???

Well, after that quarrel, I felt super buay-song leh. I think I'm gonna start using a little bit of Singlish in my blog. Feels more informal and natural mah. First I was labelled as a monster by him, and now this... Sigh... I fail in so many things!

This is my failure list:

Failed BB Founders' test

Fail in breaking my streak of getting 60+ for Physics

Fail in getting along with people

Fail in socialising. I'm always the clown. The joke. I'm always laughing with the people who laugh at me. How ironic.

Fail in my prayer buddy thingy. Failed twice.

Fail at being nice to people. If not why would I be labelled a monster huh?

Fail at bowling.

Fail at basketball.

Self-pwn most of the time.

Fail at so many other things...

Last time, I used to be a person who could handle insults very well. No matter how the people around me made fun of me, I can control my temper and laugh with them. At most I'll just give the trying-not-to-laugh look and end up bursting with laughter. But now I find myself being less able to do that. I will just retreat into my shell and emo. and emo. and emo. sometimes for the rest of the day. People ask me why I just say nothing wrong with me just feeling quiet. Zzz why have I changed so much?

Last year, I took an MBTI test. Personality was ENFJ. Means I'm the more extrovert kind of person. But less than 2 months ago, my personality became INFJ. Means I've become more introvert. Well, actually I don't think I am fully introvert. It's just that I can chose whether to be introvert. That will depend on the group of people I'm hanging around with. With my cell members I think I'm more extrovert, but other times, I'd rather just hide in my shell and emo. and emo. and emo. sometimes cry. It's okay for guys to cry hor... being a guy doesn't mean you hafta bottle up your emotions...

Then during QT today I read about David. Yay! Finished reading 1 Samuel. About how David, despite his downfalls, continue to rely on the strength of God to move on. Perhaps this is a reminder for me to draw strength from Him and move on ba...

I can move on with the Power of Christ! I know I can! Though there will be times when I break down and cry... but I will not slide. I think it is during these times of downfall that I grew closer to Him and learn that He is my refuge...